The Substitute League of America
by Mikel Midnight
Summary: BEM! Blue Beetle! Flex Mentallo! Goody Rickels! The Tarantula! Yankee Doodle! Captain Action & Action Boy! Fighting American & Speedboy! When the Justice League of America is unavailable, these all-but-forgotten heroes step in to save the day!
1. Case one: Myths for the Modern Age

A tall, beautiful, bronze-haired woman who appears to be about twenty-five, her clothes what one imagines the smart set would wear, looks out over the observation deck of the 200-foot observation tower - a sixteen-story glass and metal extension shaped like an inverted test tube buttressed by great flaring corner piers. Though the design of the Empire State Building is pleasing in itself, it had been widely criticized for a lack of unity in its relation to the shaft.

A man approaches from behind her, and rests on the barrier overlooking the view. She inhales deeply, and turns to look at him. He reminds her rather of Hoagy Carmichael, but there is something cold and ruthless about his eyes. "James," she says, and catches him in a surprisingly strong hug.

The man's British accent is suave and sophisticated as he looks down at the girl. "You're evidently Patricia Burke, the woman who phoned me." He gently detaches her from around his waist, eyes momentarily glancing down at her figure. "I could appreciate from your voice the urgency of the situation, so I was inclined to interrupt my sightseeing. Would you like to explain more, in particular how you were able to find me?"

She introduces herself. She says, "My father is Professor Winston Burke, he teaches biology and chemistry at New York State. I've been taking care of the household ever since mother died five years ago."

He nods, "Of course, yes, I remember old Winnie ... Winston. We went to school together at Eton. He was quite the wild one, if I recall. I could tell you stories ... but I shan't." He smiles down at her.

She says, "He's a real churchgoer, a very moral man."

He chuckles ruefully, "Time makes changes in us all." For a moment he seems distracted by an internal reverie, and she catches a momentary sad, nostalgic look as he glances down from the observatory tower. He turns to look at her again, "But surely you haven't called me simply to reminisce. You were quite adamant on the phone. What has Winnie been up to these days?"

She says, "I got a letter from him close to a year ago. He told me he had been developing a solution which could force men to be moral. He didn't explain how a man could be made to act like a saint. I hate to say it, but I started to doubt his sanity."

"Saint?" He laughs aloud, "Well, that could be interpreted different ways, for example, if one meant ... " he interrupts himself. "Another set of stories for another time. I take it he didn't go so far as to share the formula with you."

She shakes her head, "After several weeks I got another letter saying he had gone to see some big entrepreneur, a man he called Mr. Padgett. The next time I heard from Father, he was in paradise, saying Padgett would fund his research. Then, no word, and a month later it sounded like Father had had some sort of nervous collapse, and was in a sanitarium called Shady Acres, up in the Catskills."

His visage cracks slightly, displaying clear concern for a moment, though he quickly recovers. "I see." He removes a gold case from an interior coat pocket ... she catches a brief glimpse of an odd question-mark insignia on it ... and taps out a cigarette, which he lights from a similarly-insigned lighter. "What happened next?"

"Well, I took a train to the sanitarium. Doctor Farmer met me there, and said Father wouldn't even recognise me, and was in no condition to have visitors. But he also said he'd call me when it was okay for me to visit, and he expected Father would completely recover."

"It all sounds rather in order ... although I'm rather wary of your not being allowed to see your father. That sort of thing does happen though. How did the surroundings seem to you? Was it a reputable place?"

"The whole operation looked very high-class. Much better then anything I'd be able to afford ... I'd have had to send Father to a country hospital. We were fortunate that the treatment was being paid out of pocket by Mr. Padgett. But ... well ... there was one thing that bothered me ... these two men that acted like they were male nurses, or the doctor's assistants, or maybe just staff, but they were just lounging around Doctor Farmer's office, acting like they were drunk and behaving very rudely."

"A fly in the ointment," he says with interest.

"Something didn't seem right to me, so I called in some favors with a cousin of mine who works for the Daily Planet, and had her do some research."

He regards her with new interest. "Very enterprising ... exactly what I would have done."

She brightens at the compliment, but sobers as she delivers the outcome, "Farmer apparently has a good reputation, but ... although they'd never proved enough to send them to jail, the doctor's two assistants were members of a Brooklyn mob known to the FBI: Roberto 'Eggs' Overizi and Antonio 'Chips' Buffalo."

He takes another drag on his cigarette, and ponders the situation. "This is out of my jurisdiction I'm afraid ... but don't worry. I do still have contacts on this side of the ocean, and I wouldn't want anything to happen to Winnie. Leave it to me."

Then he got on the phone, and he called London. And London called Washington. And Washington ... called the Justice League.

And the Justice League ... was out of town.

* * *

**THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA **  
**Case one: Myths for the Modern Age **  
**(with apologies to Philip Jose Farmer)**

* * *

Liberty Belle smoothes down her skirt as she regards the others who have gathered in the underground office of the Unusual Operatives Division. "It's nice to see someone else around who doesn't leave me feeling garish," she winks.

Fighting American sips his coffee, chuckling politely. "I think even in this crowd I stand out like a sore thumb ... though I wear the outfit to stand out in the crowd, and represent American ideals against the Communist menace."

Liberty Belle mm hmms.

Goody Rickels snorts, "Neither of you are folks I'd like to come across in a dark alley ... though with those outfits you'd hardly need a flashlight."

Speedboy scowls, "Listen you ... "

BEM interrupts him with a hand on his shoulder. "Please, let's keep our emotions in check. We're here to work for the common good, after all."

Yankee Doodle nods, "Thank you, lad. Yes, that's exactly why I took the initiative to summon you all here."

Captain Action ponders. "I'd hardly consider myself and Action Boy here to be substitutes for someone like Superman, though we're certainly more than flattered by the comparison, and we'll do our best."

Action Boy grins, "You bet ... if nothing else, Speedboy and BEM and I can break off into a junior auxiliary."

The Tarantula smirks, "I am ready for ze criminal hordes! Let zem dare to show zemselves to ze fearless Tarantula!"

Flex Mentallo flexes in the corner, "I agree with my extravagant French friend here."

Blue Beetle strokes his chin thoughtfully. "As do all of us, I'm sure ... though I admit to not being familiar with all of you prior to the introductions. I admit though, to reservations concerning the nature of our mission."

Yankee Doodle raises an eyebrow, not that one could tell through his feature-concealing mask. "Reservations? Such as?"

Blue Beetle continues. "I'm no political extremist, I prefer to spend most of my time in the field at archeological digs. But this formula ... to 'force men to be moral' ... that sounds an awful lot like mind control, to me."

Captain Action says, "We ought to discuss archeology some time, friend. I share your concerns though. Do we have a ... a 'mission statement' ... which actually states the government is requesting this formula for its own use?"

Yankee Doodle shakes his head. "My directives from the UOD is very broad. I understand that Liberty Belle's arrangement with NASA, and Fighting American's with Project Fighting American, are equally nonspecific. We all have leeway to interpret our assignments to the best of our abilities."

"I can cloud men's minds with my biceps," flexes Flex Mentallo, "though I would never attempt to just take over someone's mind entirely. It seems like that's what this would do, to me."

Goody Rickels shrugs, "I'd have to look at the formula to be sure, and we don't have that. It's up to you steroid junkies to work out that end."

BEM glances at him, "Do you have to insult somebody with everything you say?"

Goody Rickels shrugs again, "It's a living."

Fighting American looks grim. "I want to remind you all that the Commies wouldn't think twice about using mind control."

Captain Action sighs, "That's exactly my point!"

The Tarantula raises his hands, "Friends, friends, can not perhaps ze compromise be reached?"

Liberty Belle says, "We're clearly going there to rescue Professor Burke, and delaying that action doesn't make any sense. I propose we try to find what research we can on the formula while we're there and retrieve it. If what most of you are suggesting is right, I have absolutely no problem in destroying the records, but we can make a final decision after the fact."

Blue Beetle smiles, "I second the motion."

A chorus of 'ayes' fill the room, and Fighting American just shakes his head. "I object, but I'm willing to work as a team and go with majority rule."

The Tarantula claps his hands, "We weel embark on ze new mission with determination and purpose – between Captain Action's Seelver Streak and ze Tarantula-Mobile we weel arrive zere in no time!"

* * *

Shady Acres Sanitarium is set on top of a high hill. Lights blaze from and around it. At the entrance are a pair of iron gates set in a high stone wall. A ditch runs across the roads paralleling the wall. A stone bridge crosses the ditch.

From afar, Captain Action scans the structure with the heightened senses of Heimdall. "It looks like a secure facility, that's for sure."

Flex Mentallo flexes, "So we're going in with force? So be it."

Captain Action scowls, "We're not the only ones. A limousine just pulled up, and it looks like a groups of costumes getting out."

Blue Beetle enquires, "Costumes? Rickels, let me see your binoculars." He scans the horizon, and speaks in wonder, "I know them ... it's the Echoes of Justice. The White Sorcerer ... he called himself Mister Magik back in the 40's ... invited me to join after the original Blue Beetle fell victim to a mad scientist's bomb. I had been the Beetle's sidekick, Sparky, for a while ... but I turned them down because by that point I'd already abandoned the costumed life. It was only after I was selected to bear the magic scarab, by the sun god Khepra, that I took on the name."

BEM smiles, "We're all on the same side, right? Let's go up and shake their hands."

And so the league of heroes of a silver age confront the echoes of a golden age of justice ...

White Sorcerer is a theatrical-looking, grey-haired gentleman wearing a stylish white tuxedo with a white tie, and carrying a walking stick in one of his hands, which compliments his elegant white dress coat with tails. Around his shoulders is a short white cape.

Air Wave is wearing a green cowl with two headphone like devices on his ears, and a green bodysuit with a yellow lightning bolt on his chest. Adding to the outfit are a pair of yellow boots, trunks and a cape. Around his waist is Air Wave's radiobelt, which gives him his powers.

Commander Steel is a 6 foot tall man wearing a full body costume. It is mostly red with blue shorts, boots, gloves and a white belt. There is a blue fin on top of his red cowl. On his chest and back are red and blue stripes, with a white stylized star in a red circle on his chest.

Congorilla is a powerful golden gorilla wearing a military dress uniform consisting of blue trousers, shirt, and tie and a red jacket with gold trim, buttons, and epaulets.

Dyna-Man is a big, very muscular man wearing some form of chest plate with an oval plaque over his heart, a blue costume with light green trunks, a short green cape, and what looks like a football helmet with a fin across the top and two thin horizontal bars acting as a face shield. Around his waist is a red belt with a black 'D' on the buckle.

The Guardian is a tall, well-muscled man, about 6 foot 1, weighing approx. 200 pounds. His face is masked by a blue cowl through which one can see piercing blue eyes and a square jaw, and a golden helmet is atop his head. He wears a blue bodysuit with gold trunks, gloves, boots and a red belt. The Guardian's shield is large and gold, shaped like a policeman's badge.

Manhunter is tall and broad-shouldered, with a taut athletic frame. He is garbed in a tight crimson body-suit, with dark blue gauntlets, boots, and trunks. Over his head he wears a skintight red cowl with his features concealed behind a blue mask. He has ruggedly handsome features, with steel blue alert looking eyes, a somewhat hawkish nose, and a square jaw. His motions are quiet and lithe, and he moves about with the graceful tread of a panther on the prowl.

Plastic Man is a stylish man in his mid-forties. His dark hair is smoothly slicked back behind his ears, and his face is covered with thick goggles that obscure his eyes from sight. His costume is red, resembling spandex...his shorts seem shrink wrapped around him. His bright red shirt is open in a 'V' on his chest, which is laced up with black cord. His outfit is completed with a black belt around his waist, which is notched together in the front with a round, yellow buckle.

Robotman's metal body is more than six-foot-tall. A pair of red photo-electric eyes regard the newcomers with interest. Despite his parody of a human appearance (looking like a grey, bald human), he has a human brain and the most human of personalities. Super-strong and near-invulnerable, he has many other attributes normally stowed in various locations about his person.

Wildcat is a huge mountain of a man dressed as a mighty jungle cat. His black costume covers him from head to toe, but for his fingers and the lower portion of his face.

The White Sorcerer smirks as he sees the others approach. "Well well well, if it isn't Sparkington J. Northrup," he addresses the Blue Beetle, "I see you've found some others to ally yourself with. Are you coming here to help us in our mission to eradicate evil?"

Blue Beetle hrms, "I don't use that name anymore. We're here to rescue Professor Burke and prevent anyone from brainwashing the planet ... if that's what you mean by 'eradicating evil.'"

Goody Rickels puts his face in his hands, "Oy gevalt a schmear."

Wildcat scowls, "I don't think I like your tone ... what are you suggesting? That you've come here to destroy Burke's formula?"

Liberty Belle attempts to maneuver between the two parties, "Look, we're all on the same side, aren't we? We can discuss this in a civilised manner ... "

Commander Steel looks her up and down, "I know of you from my military briefings ... little girl, I knew Liberty Belle ... I fought alongside her in the All-Star Squadron ... you're not her."

Manhunter says, "I spent enough time in the killing field of the last world war to ever want to see anything like that happen again, no matter what the cost. If Burke's formula can prevent that from happening ... free will be damned."

Blue Beetle shakes his head, "I was there in those same killing fields, and I can tell you I'd still rather destroy the formula than prevent man from being able to make his own moral choices."

Plastic Man shapes his body into a wall. "If you want to destroy that formula, you're going to have to go through us... and that ain't happening, pals and gal."

Yankee Doodle steps to the fore, "Are you serious? You would fight us rather than cooperate and risk losing the formula?"

Manhunter says, "I'm serious as armed robbery, mister."

Commander Steel says, "Will you surrender quietly - or must we get rough? Believe me, gang, I'd just love to get rough!"

Wildcat suddenly finds himself entangled in strings of fast-hardening nylon fired from a web-gun. "I am ze fearless Tarantula," asserts his antagonist, "Doer of good! Fighter against no-good! Crusher of evil! Masher of menaces! A nice chap! Ooooh! All you bad guys are going to get such a scare! Nothing weel stand in my way!"

Yankee Doodle curses, "Tarantula, wait! I hadn't given the ... " his words are interrupted by Manhunter, leaping on him like a great jungle cat.

White Sorcerer gestures magically, and recoils as he is blinded by a burst of lightning. "You're not the only one with magical abilities; my coins grant me the power of Zeus," shouts Captain Action over the storm.

Action Boy uses the speed of Mercury to do an end-run around Air Wave. The older hero chuckles, "You're fast, but not faster than magnetic energy." His gloves generate a wave of magnetic repulsion in an attempt to repell the coin of the gods which grants his opponent his speed. Blue Beetle rises into the air, eyes crackling with electricity, and finds himself caught off-guard by a powerful barrage of explosive bullets from an invisible source. Plastic Man looks up, "Great guns! Say hello to Captain X formerly of the RAF ... our airborne auxiliary." He forms himself into a beach ball and bounces high, slamming into Blue Beetle from the opposite direction.

Guardian tugs BEM by the ear. "In my day, kids respected their elders," he says, surprised as the young man with the strength of three disrupts his hold and attempts to wrestle him down.

Robotman extends a metal hand towards Liberty Belle. "Not the Libby I know either," his voice the sound of an old radiator grate. She leaps our of the way, barely avoiding a nearly-fatal blow.

Fighting American & Speedboy face off against Commander Steel in a spectacularly patriotic display, each accusing the other of being a brazen imitator.

Goody Rickels groans. "This is all going pear-shaped ... yaaaaah!" He screams and runs as the golden gorilla bounds after him, teeth bared.

Dyna-Man slams his rings together, his body glowing with explosive energy. He throws a punch at Flex Mentallo, the latter's 'hero halo' disrupting the explosion as it expends around them. "Face the power of Muscle Mystery," flexes the hero of the beach.

Tarantula approaches the bound hero. "So, time to surrender, monkey?" he says with Gallic arrogance. Wildcat manages to work one arm free and knock down the skinny do-gooder. "The trouble with superpowers is they make you forget how much fun an old-fashioned uppercut can be - when you do it just right."

Yankee Doodle wrestles desperately against the hunter of men, realising quickly his fighting skills are excelled by the other. White Sorcerer nods, "So be it," he says, and begins drawing strength from the earth around him, transforming himself into a terrifying apparition. Captain Action attacks the other with the strength of Hercules, knocking him backwards with surprise.

Air Wave's tactic sends Action Boy into a skid, as his body is pulled backwards by the coin he carries. Speedboy glances back at his opponent. "It only seems to work at short range," he ponders as he rises to his feet and aims for an end run, attempting to disrupt Air Wave's equipment before the older hero can repel him again.

Blue Beetle grunts, "This is absurd," as he is buffeted by repeated attacks. "Hey pal, absurdity is my middle name," notes Plastic Man as he bounces into his opponent again. Blue Beetle catches him this time, and when Captain X fires at him next, tosses Plas in the direction the bullets are coming from. The guns are silenced and the elastic body splats over the invisible Jenny on impact, rendering her outline visible. Blue Beetle soars at the plane before Plas can detach himself, striking at the fuselage.

BEM skillfully dodges a feint of the Guardian's. "I'm smarter than you think," he says with a wink, but the Guardian slams his shield into the young man's jaw with a sideswing. "But not as experienced," notes the policeman.

Liberty Belle and Robotman play a frightening game of tag, the heroine barely managing to stay ahead of her unhuman opponent's metal extremities, before he finally catches her, the force of his grip drawing blood. As she is dragged towards him she scans his skull casing desperately, looking for some way to disconnect him.

Commander Steel attempts to use his superior strength and speed to get hold of Fighting American and Speedboy, who use their superior numbers to confuse him.

Congorilla gives a mighty leap, landing on Goody Rickels. The man looks up at the gorilla's maw, "Just kill me quick before your breath does," he gasps.

Flex Mentallo baffles Dyna-Man with the range of his psychic attacks, as the former strikes at him again and again, the blows reducing in intensity with time even as his opponent finds the endless percussive explosions wearing him down.

"STOP!" says a powerful, amplified voice through a megaphone. The combatants pause, as a man almost six-foot-three, slim, elegantly dressed and white-haired, strides out into the field which has been completely torn apart by the battle. He is quite handsome, though a scar disfigures his left cheek. He is accompanied by a slim woman about five-foot-four wearing a long coat and a scarf that conceals her face. Standing behind them is a tall, scholarly-looking, middle-aged man. He looks like a college teacher, since he wears tweeds and his hair is as wild as an absent-minded professor's.. "I'm Lewis Padgett, I'm an associate of this Sanitarium, and I wish to know exactly what you costumed clowns think you're doing? We have sick people here."

Yankee Doodle manages to detach himself from Manhunter. From his jacket he draws out a leather casing and flashes an id badge. "My name is John Dandy, I work for the federal government. Some of these gentlemen here are my associates. Before we were attacked, we had come here to investigate a claim made on behalf of one of your patients, Winston Burke, at the request of his daughter."

The scholarly-looking man steps forward. "There must be some mistake," he says. "I am Winston Burke." His voice is puzzled, but clear and coherent. "I don't have a daughter. I don't have any children at all."

Flex Mentallo narrows his eyes. He walks up behind Yankee Doodle. "Something's wrong here," he mumbles. "Padgett is hiding something ... the man has a powerful aura. He's not a normal human."

Air Wave, eavesdropping, fiddles with a control on his radiobelt, angling his antenna at the newcomers. "Microwaves," he says. "The man is acting like a power battery." He curses. "Lewis Padgett. I thought you'd been abducted by aliens after you disappeared."

Action Boy blinks. "Who?"

Air Wave says, "Lewis Padgett ... the Microwave Man. He became fascinated by microwaves when he was a kid-and built his own radio! When he grew up, it became an obsession-he immersed himself in experimental research far ahead of his time! The breakthrough came when he devised a means of making his body a walking receiver-capable of absorbing raw microwave energy from every operating radio transmitter in the area at the time!"

Padgett's body starts to ripple with energy, "Abducted by aliens? Hardly ... though with the increased use of microwaves in the modern world ... and the addition of advanced Soviet technology from their secret labs ... yes that's where I've been all this time ... you'll find me a far more formidable foe than I was back in the 40's." As he speaks the woman accompanying him unwraps her cloak, mouth opening to reveal fangs as a pair of batlike wings unveil from behind her.

Fighting American barks out, "I've detected a commie smell in this setup all along!"

Blue Beetle glances around him, "You don't really think you can take us all on, do you?"

White Sorceror gestures magically, and you find your attention caught by one of his cufflinks, which has a mottled black and dark green design on it. Time seems to slow, as it often does when you are in a climactic situation, and you feel increasingly fascinated by the cufflink. As you focus on it, it fills your vision more and more, until it is practically all you can see. You realise that it is not an abstract design at all, but rather a depiction of a forest at night. Soon the forest fills your entire range of vision, and when you look around next you find that you are in the woods close to a mile from the Sanitarium.

Goody Rickels falls to his knees, "I think I'm about to toss my cookies."

Speedboy looks around at his allies, "What the heck was that?"

Yankoo Doodle peers back at the Sanitarium to observe a series of powerful explosions. "It looks like the Echoes of Justice were taking this case personally and didn't want out interference."

Fighting American scowls, "I'm not used to being dismissed ... or failing in my mission."

From behind them, a voice speaks out, "You haven't." They turn, to see a trio of men standing by a black autogyro.

The first, the evident speaker, is a man of almost seven feet tall. He must be in his late seventies, a hard seventy, broad-shouldered and looking as if he might have had an outstanding physique in his youth; he also could have been very handsome once. Muscles like piano wires bunch like coiling pythons under his bronze skin, but dissipation has lined his face, bagged his eyes, and fattened throat and waist. His hair is silver, straight, and layed down tightly as a metal skullcap. His eyes glitter like pools of flake gold. He is wearing a white shirt and riding breeches, black boots, and a dark brown greatcoat.

To his right, is a very tall man, somewhat stooped, which is to be expected given that he has to be in his late eighties. His makeup almost conceals his wrinkles, and his huge curved nose has no broken veins, except in certain lights. His eyes behind their thick trifocal contact lenses burn as if he were only twenty years old. He is wearing a black suit, a red-lined black cloak, and a dark slouch hat. On his right hand is a ring bearing a large opal which seems to glow with an inner light.

To his left is a middle-sized though muscular man, no more than five-foot-eight, with thick spectacles. He has polar-bear white hair and an elderly face that would have been still handsome if it weren't for its total lack of expression. Behind them are two grey eyes, the gray of Arctic ice-fields, that look as cold as wintertime windowglass after a heavy frost. But under the pale, washed-out flatness is a blaze as if a natural-gas leak has caught fire under the polar icecap. He is clad in a well-fitted gray suit and a gray cloth coat with a gray collar.

"You may call me Dr. du Bronce," says the man. "These are my associates, Mr. Phwombly and Ricardo Bensoni. It was we ... acting through members of my family ... who connived to place you here to retrieve or destroy Burke's formula. The interference by the Echoes of Justice was unexpected, but ... " he turns as another explosion quakes the earth, "by delaying them and bringing Padgett's true identity to their attention, you managed to achieve your goal, and ours'."

Flex Mentallo flexes, "Are you saying you were behind all this? What did you have against Professor Burke's formula, anyway?"

Ricardo Bensoni speaks, his voice monotone. "Some of us ... have spent time and attention in the past attempting to use similar strategies to destroy evil. The strategies did not work, and ... they came to be troubled by the morality of their actions. We could not allow any government to follow in those footsteps."

Yankee Doodle furrows his brow, not that one could tell. "This certainly seems like an overcomplicated way of going about it."

Mr. Phwombly bursts into an alarming cackle. "Reality has begun to fray at the edges," he says, "in ways that few are prepared to face. The Justice League isn't enough to guard the world as we know it ... someone needs to stand guard in the dark corners of the world."

Liberty Belle nurses the wound on her shoulder as she stumbles to her feet. "So you see us as some sort of substitute league, when the big guys aren't available?"

Dr. du Bronce says, "We have all used compatriots which have stood by our sides to fight the good fight. Now, all we have is each other." The trio start to board the autogyro, a beautiful, bronze-haired woman at the controls. "Rather than following us," he looks directly at Blue Beetle and Action Boy, "consider accepting a gift for a job well done." He tosses a card to Yankee Doodle, who plucks it out of the air.

"An address?" says the masked crimefighter.

"A place where you can stand together, rather than stand separately. A Hall of Justice, if you will." The vehicle starts to ascend vertically, "You will need it."


	2. Case Two: Haters and Also-Ranns

**THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA  
****Case Two: Haters and Also-Ranns**

* * *

As one enters the room with its high, domed ceiling, it seems built almost to more-than-human proportions. In the centre of the room is a white table shaped like a square with slanted sides and the corners cut off; in the center of the table is a bright red light like an alarm. Surrounding the table are a series of business-like red chairs. Set beside the light is a small raised platform, on which is detailed model of Metropolis. To one's immediate right, set into the wall is an advanced computer system with a wall-size computer screen, which at the moment is flashing through television news broadcasts from across the globe. In an alcove on the far right is a gallery of photos on the walls, showing some of the greatest heroes of the day. In an identical alcove opposite in the room, is a table on which is a percolating coffee machine and a full set of coffee cups; the rich scent of Blue Mountain coffee wafts over and fills the entire floor.

Standing before the computer system is a man of an average height and build. He has dull brown hair, and is wearing a nondescript brown suit, with white shirt and brown tie. Slightly scuffed brown leather shoes are on his feet. The only thing about him which seems notable at all is his face, which is completely featureless.

Out of the man's peripheral vision, he barely spies the crimson figure hurtling through the air behind him. In an instant he whirls around, gun drawn from a shoulder holster. "Identify yourself," he says in a monotone voice.

Before him is a man with a lean, muscular build; his handsome face has a ready smile but piercing, intelligent eyes. He is clad in red tights and a red bodyshirt which leaves his arms bare, red wristbands which come to a point in his forearms, and red boots. White military-style stripes run down the sides of his tights and the front of his boots, matching the white military-style collar with two gold stars at his throat, and the functional white straps crisscrossing his chest which support a dual rocket-pack. Around his waist is a brown leather belt and holster, in which rests a futuristic-looking ray gun. Completing the uniform is a red and white helmet with golden wings on the front, and a white flare on top. "My name is Adam Strange," says the intruder, his hands raised in a placating gesture. He beckons with an open palm. "If you check your computer records, I am known to the Justice League. I tried to contact them, but they were in an alternate dimension. I also phoned the Challengers of the Unknown, but only got some automated machine which answered and asked me to leave a message. So ... "

Yankee Doodle types into a keyboard one-handed, and a profile of the man before him appears on a small computer screen. "I see our fame precedes us," he says sarcastically, "as does yours, Mr. Strange." He sheathes his gun. "How can I help you?"

Adam Strange nods towards his profile, "As you see, I champion the planet Rann. We've been invaded by a group of human criminals led by a being named Kra of the Robot Planet. My wife and I found ourselves outnumbered, so I thought it appropriate to seek some superpowered help while I'm on Earth. We're short on time though," he glances at his watch, "We have to be across the globe in six hours and twenty-two minutes, in order to be transported to Rann in time."

Yankee Doodle nods. "I'll see what I can do."

* * *

In a flash of light beneath a green sky, a group of colorfully-attired people appear on an alien landscape.

Goody Rickels groans, "I think that teleporting left me green behind the gills ... or is that the sky?"

"Wow, look at that!" Speedboy tugs on Fighting American's sleeve and points upwards. "Even the sky is different! It's a real alien planet!"

Liberty Belle smiles, "It really is impressive the first time you leave Earth."

Yankee Doodle nods, "Unfortunately we're not here on a sightseeing tour. We have serious business to attend to."

Tarantula looks around the desert landscape. "Where are ze beautiful alien women who need the rescuing? And ze fine alien restaurants?"

Adam Strange chuckles, "I'll be sure to find you some tasty protein cubes. At any rate, let's discuss strategy."

The discussion is interrupted by the sound of a hover vehicle. It lands near the team and as the rider dismounts, the helmet is removed to reveal a head of flowing ebony hair. A woman of eerie, alien beauty clad in blue and yellow dismounts. "Adam," she says in a musical voice, sashaying over to wrap her arms about him with grace. "These are your friends from Earth?" She turns to look at them, her eyes a startling shade of gold never seen on Earth.

Adam Strange kisses her. "Here's your beautiful alien woman, Tarantula; this is my wife, Alanna." He chuckles, "although she rescues me half the time, I swear."

Liberty Belle extends a hand, gauging the other woman, "Pleased to make your acquaintance, Alanna." She turns back to Adam Strange, "So what is our strategy here?"

Adam Strange turns towards the city. "Rann doesn't have a standing army, its security forces are all citizen-volunteers. They're not used to handling super villains. Alanna will take you to the front lines, where you can face down the human invaders. I'm going to head to the science center from where Kra is controlling his robot army. This," he says, holding up a small white disc resembling a dial, which he attaches to his belt buckle, "is my secret weapon. If I can use it to disarm Kra, his robots will be leaderless and will shut down, and any remaining super villains will be easily mopped up."

Fighting American nods, "It sounds good. Watch your back, Adam. We'll be seeing you soon."

Adam Strange grins, "I always do," and with a blast from his rocket-pack he soars into the air.

Alanna watches him as he arcs over the horizon, and with a small sigh, returns her attention to the League. "I take it not all of you are flyers? Please join me on the hover platform. We must needs make haste."

Yankee Doodle steps aboard the vehicle. "That's the word ... hmm, we need a battle cry don't we?"

Goody Rickels, using his right hand to physically close his mouth, manages to tear his eyes off Alanna. "Um," he says. "Maybe I ought to go with Adam? I'm more of a technician than a fighter, and ... "

Fighting American grabs him by the lapel and pulls him onto the hovercraft with the rest of that. "Forget that. We're sticking with his strategy and you're coming with us."

"Ahhh," says the Tarantula, "I would follow a woman such as zis one to ze end of ze Earth ... or any ozzer planeet!"

Goody Rickels mumbles as the hovercraft ascends, "It's my end I'm more concerned about."

Minutes later, as the vehicle passes over the city of Ranagar, the League passes over the battle front. They see the red-clad men and women battling furiously against robotic hordes, and a quartet of colorfully-clad figures cutting swathes through the city's defenders.

The Tarantula fires his webline, and encasing Goody Rickels within his auxiliary tarantula-arms like a brace, he swings down to confront a man in a blue jumpsuit with a green oddly-shaped helmet. The helmet is sort of flat, looking like he got his head wedged in a big green doughnut. The helmet has a chinstrap to hold it on.

Yankee Doodle spies a man wearing a blue leotard with red collar, boots, and belt. He has a large, bald head and pointed ears. Withdrawing his gun, he leaps off the vehicle onto a nearby ledge, and descends.

Fighting American spots a big humanoid, about 15 feet tall, apparently made of fiery magma. He grins, "Let's go old chum, this one looks right up our alley." He and Speedboy disembark to confront the volcano man.

Alanna and Liberty Belle, finally, see a giant woman, about thirty feet tall, including a ridiculously tall blue beehive hairdo, wearing a blue leotard with green collar, boots, belt, and cape. Alanna hands the controls over to her partner and activates her own rocket pack, flying towards the creature with Liberty Belle on her heels.

Inside the science center, Kra watches the League as they descend towards his allies. "Terrans," he curses. "Of course they would appear when I was on the verge of victory ... a shame it's not those accursed Challengers of the Unknown, I so look forward to the day when I can see their heads arrayed on robo-pikes before my gates. And with the science of Rann in my hands ... "

"... you'll accomplish nothing at all," interrupts Adam Strange as he enters through a window. He swivels the dial at his buckle, and his jetpack swivels around, allowing him to descend to the ground as he draws his weapon. "We Terrans do have a nasty habit of turning up, don't we, Kra? You shouldn't have invaded a planet who chose one to be their Champion." He fires his ray gun at the 10' tall, metallic, very robot-like figure, only to have the ray deflected off the sheen of its outer casing.

Kra laughs, "The weapons of Rann are futile against me, the Champion of Rann is useless against me." He reaches towards Adam Strange, who swivels the dial again. His jet pack reactivates and he sweeps out of Kra's grasp.

Outside, Goody Rickels confronts his opponent. "Drabny, isn't it? You'd think with a name like that you'd want some color in your costume, maybe paisley or at least a nice plaid, but no ... " Strings of fast-hardening nylon fired from Tarantula's web-gun encase Drabny as he is distracted by the monologue. Blasts of telekinetic force from the man's helmet open up the ground beneath the heroes, who slide down into the abyss.

Yankee Doodle's foe whirls around and spies the gun. "You come with death? I welcome it." Yankee Doodle blinks beneath his mask, "We're here to serve the public, even criminals like Multi-Man." He fires directly into the other's heart, and his opponent laughs manically as his body dissolves into liquid light, then reforms as a creature whose head and torso both look like round moons, while his arms and legs are made of the same stuff. He floats up into the air as if propelled by anti-gravity, and flies at Yankee Doodle.

The Volcano Man says "Hisss!" as he spies Fighting American and Speedboy. "Look out chum, this is a hot one!" Fighting American takes a flying leap at the Volcano Man, grunting as his insulated boots bounce off of magma. He grunts in pain, and the pair begin evasive maneuvers as the creature advances on them. "Hisss!"

Liberty Belle sighs, "I hate to destroy such a fine vehicle, but take [i]that[/i] Multi-Woman!" She crashes the hovercraft into the giantess, leaping free at the last moment. Her opponent, almost toppled by the force of the blow, nevertheless catches Liberty Belle in mid-leap and raises her overhead while Alanna sweeps around, ray gun at the ready. "Mama didn't raise me to be no Fay Wray," Liberty Belle complains as she tries to wriggle out of the grasp.

Inside the science center, Kra moves quicker than expected from a foe his size, and catches Adam Strange by the ankle. The champion swivels his belt dial, and with his rocket pack tries to angle out of the way, but Kra grabs him by the waist and tears off the dial, and Adam Strange curses as his rockets deactivate. "So much for that," he says, tossing the other into the wall. His opponent rolls and tries to evade the robot's grip, but Kra catches him again.

"You may defeat me," Adam Strange grunts out, "but Rann is united against you ... the Substitute League of America is against you ... you'll never defeat them all!"

Kra laughs and slams the flat of his metallic hand against Adam Strange's jaw. "I will show them their Champion, and they will collapse into despair. I will break your flesh body in half and they will all bow to Kra!" The pair start to fade as Kra teleports them to the roof of the science building.

Outside, the Tarantula shouts, "Zis shall not be ze end of ze mighty Tarantula!" Drabny uses his telekinesis to shatter the nylon web. He stares down at the pair, clinging desperately to Tarantula's web line, and telekinetically lifts them both into the air. The pair scream hysterically as he floats them around randomly. "You two are the most annoying, bungling, incompetent so-called heroes I have ever met," he says. "I almost wish the Challengers were here."

Yankee Doodle fires again at Multi-Man, only to have his bullets bounce off the stony surface. "I should have known there was a catch," he grumbles to himself, as he seeks cover from the gravity-defying planetoidal villain.

Fighting American and Speedboy circle around the Volcano Man, who lumbers after them. "Hisss!" This piping looks familiar, thinks the older hero. Hoping for the best, Fighting American leaps up to swing himself onto the pipes, and wolf-whistles loudly. "Hey lavaface, come and get me!" The creature grabs for the pipes, melting through them and splattering it with water as Fighting American leaps free, diving out of the steam cloud.

Alanna fires repeatedly at Multi-Woman's wrist. "You little flying bitch!" the woman shouts, as the ray blasts wear through the skin revealing the robotic structure inside. She tries to grab for Alanna with her free hand but the woman manages to stay just out of reach. The distraction though allows Liberty Belle to work her way free, and she runs towards the hovercraft.

Inside the science center, Kra vanishes. He reappears, holding Adam Strange victoriously over his head, and looks around to find himself on an isolated sandy floor underneath a blue sky. "Where am I?" he demands of his victim, then roars as Adam Strange's jetpack blasts him full in the face.

Adam Strange arcs backwards coming to a landing several yards before the giant robot. "My flight equipment is controlled mentally via my helmet," he says. "That belt dial was a cheap piece of plastic to distract you, so you would think you could catch me easily."

Kra runs at the man as he takes off into the air, hovering above him. "_Where am I? What did you do to me?_" he demands.

Adam Strange smiles. "I knew you could teleport. My body is highly irradiated with zeta-rays; I guessed correctly that if you tried to teleport me anywhere, it would send you back home to Earth. Sardath is waiting outside the door, back on Ranagar, for the zeta discharge. Your robots have been shut down. You've lost, Kra."

"I can still ... kill you!" Kra shouts, as he teleports before where Adam Strange is standing, reaching up to grab his ankle. Suddenly a brilliant glare erupts before him, and the alien robot sees suspended in the air, the famous hero halo: 'HERO OF THE BEACH.'

"Not if I have anything to say in the matter," flexes Flex Mentallo, and with a mighty blow decapitates the robot. "Rock 'em sock 'em," he says to the head of the creature as it rolls across the sands, shouting alien profanity.

Adam Strange scoops it up as Kra glares at him. "I'm fairly glad I don't know what all that means," he says. "Thank you, Flex."

"My pleasure," flexes the other. "So what're you going to do with him?"

Adam Strange walks around the immobilised body. "I suppose I'll fly the head over to Challenger Mountain, and let them take care of it. I'll tell them where they can pick up the rest."

* * *

Beneath the green skies of Rann, Sardath raises a glass. "To our friends from Earth."

Yankee Doodle smiles beneath his mask, and abstains from imbibing. "I only wish you'd been able to do more."

Alanna says, "Your league tipped the balance. We could never have held off Kra's forces without you."

Speedboy looks at the unfermented fruit juice he's been handed, and sighs. "Well, I'm just glad once Kra's robots froze, your security forces were able to tip the balance for _us_, too." "So, um, Sardath," enquires Liberty Belle as she sips the alien wine, "how exactly are we going to get home?"

Sardath coughs, "We're looking into that. We're contacting representatives from Oa and Thanagar to attempt to arrange transport."

"Not to worry," insists Tarantula. "Zere are many fine restaurants we have yet to explore in zis exotic planeet of yours." He sniffs the wine delicately, and takes a sip, coughing as the unaccustomed alcohol pours down his throat.

THE END


	3. Case Three: The Mystery Meat Mystery

**THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA  
****Case Three: The Mystery Meat Mystery**

* * *

Action Boy arrives, brandishing several bags of food, "I brought lunch! McDumbbell's Foodburgers, still hot off the grill, courtesy of the speed of Mercury!"

Speedboy tears into his bag. "McDumbbell's, eh? That's the new place at the corner of Kenney and Colon?"

BEM nods, "That's them. I always like to try new places."

Fighting American smiles as he lays the food out before him. "That's a fine attitude, young man. And thank you for picking up supplies, Carl."

Goody Rickels wrinkles his nose as he takes a bite. "Urk, and you said this was fresh?" He pushes the food away from him. "Ow!" He rubs his shoulder where Flex Mentallo had poked him.

"Do you know what your problem is, Goody?" Flex Mentallo flexes. "You need a more positive mental attitude." He takes a bite. "Er, on the other hand, in this case you might be right."

Tarantula looks up at the others as he gobbles down his burger. "Is zere some probleem?"

Goody Rickels deposits his lunch back in its carryout bag. "Let me take this back to the lab, and I'll take a closer look."

In the laboratory, Goody Rickels hmmms as he slides a foodburger sample under the microscope. "Well, that's not something I see everyday; not from an American restaurant anyway."

BEM peers over his shoulder. "What do you see?"

Goody Rickels purses his lips. He walks out to the main hall and brings back a copy of the day's newspaper, flipping through until he finds the page he sought. Holding up the headline, 'DOGNAPPERS SOUGHT', he says, "I think we've found the solution to the little mystery of what's been happening to all the pets in town recently."

Action Boy hrms, "Next time, I'm ordering from Pigboy."

Speedboy blinks. "That's ... that's disgusting!"

Fighting American nods, "It certainly is. I think we ought to go and check out their central distributor."

Goody Rickels sighs. "And I'm sure there will be a team of super-villains behind this, just waiting for us. Ow!" He rubs his shoulder where Flex Mentallo had poked him.

"Positive mental attitude!" flexes Flex Mentallo.

That night, the league approaches the rear of the McDumbbell's central building, past the golden arches and the statue of their spokesman, Mr. Clown. Fighting American shines his flashlight towards the door. "We'll have to break in."

Flex Mentallo waves him away. "Not necessary," he flexes. Leaning towards the door, he manipulates his hand muscles with all the power of Muscle Mystery, and the door self-unlocks and falls open. "Voila!"

Action Boy grins, "Impressive!"

As they skulk through the warehouse, they reflexively cover their noses from the stench. "What ... what _is_ that," asks Speedboy.

Fighting American shines his flashlight towards the side of one of the food preparation vats, "I think that answers your question," he exclaims, as the team reads the ingredient list: ARTIFICIAL MUCUS, OLD LETTUCE, SNIPS, SNAILS, PUPPY DOG TAILS.

BEM scowls, "So it's true ... they must be trying to save money by using stolen pets instead of buying it from farmers."

Tarantula folds his arms, and folds his arms, and folds his arms. "Zees is surely ze work of an evil mastermind ... zey shall receive no mercy from ze Tarantula!"

Fighting American notes, "There are still other rooms to this warehouse ... we should check further."

As they investigate the office complex, they come across none other than Mr. Clown himself, dividing up stacks full of cash amongst a group of compatriots. His allies all wear 'Welcome to McDumbbell's, My Name is ... ' badges on their uniforms, identifying them.

"I told you," points Goody Rickels, "It would be our luck: super-villains!"

Mr. Clown is a man in white clownface, with a black evil-looking domino mask, red painted lips and bulbous nose, and red frightwig. He is dressed in a baggy yellow jumpsuit with three big red buttons down the center and frilly green collar and cuffs. On his head is a yellow chef's hat with a big red button in the center.

The Checkered Trashman is a short, squat man with a broad face, slightly pointed ears, shaggy black hair, beard and mustache. He is wearing checkered trousers and heavy black boots. Slung along his chest is a heavy machine gun; in his left hand he carries a large metal trash can.

The Lizard Empress is a woman wearing a long black robe, with a hood which conceals her face. Around her waist is a gold chain belt, and a long gold chain hangs from her shoulders. When she moves around her arms you see plain gold armbands, and coiled around her wrists a long bracelet which has the form of a green snake.

Major Maker is a man with frizzy black hair and mustache, wearing a blue military jacket and cap with major's stripes. On his legs he wears white tights and black shorts and boots.

Mr. Normal is a small bald man with a long slender nose, and beard stubble. He is dressed in a long white robe.

Starchild is a blond toddler in diapers, with something bizarrely sinister and leering in the expression of his eyes and mouth.

Terminato is an unshaven man with black hair, dressed in black breeches, trousers, and shirt, with a black flat-top cowboy hat. He is wearing a brown vest and around his neck is a yellow kerchief.

"Now, now," says Mr. Clown, as the others rise up from their chairs, facing the intruders. "We're just simple entrepreneurs ... "

Action Boy speeds towards them, "We've uncovered your evil ploy, it's time to pay the penalty!" The Checkered Trashman scoops his trash can forward. "Let's be startin' something," he says, as he trips Action Boy into it, up-ending the lad and slamming the lid down.

BEM approaches Starchild. "Come on little one, let me take you home to your parents. Starchild pulls a throwing star from his diaper. "Star time!" he says, hurling it straight for BEM's forehead.

Major Maker says, "I'll use the amazing power of technology to perform a miracle of miniaturization!" He unleashes an oddly shaped hand weapon which he aims at Flex Mentallo, shrinking his opponent down to six inches in height.

Mr. Clown grabs Goody Rickels by the nose. He says, "As for you, I'm going to run your pud through the pickle slicer! Super-villains in-_deed_!"

Fighting American approaches the Lizard Empress. "It's against my rules to hit a woman," he says, "so I hope you decide to come peaceably." She sighs, and rests her hands on Fighting American's shoulders. A bifurcated tongue flickers out from inside her hood as her bracelet comes alive and slithers around his throat.

Terminato shouts what sounds like a Spanish obscenity, draws his sidearm and fires it at Speedboy, who shouts and ducks out of the way.

Tarantula strides forward, "All you bad guys will find zat nothing weel stand in the way of ze fearless Tarantula! Doer of good! Fighter against no-good! Crusher of evil! Masher of menaces! A nice chap! Ooooh! Let ze criminal hordes dare to show zemselves, I am ready for zem! Zey going to get such a scare ... " Mr. Normal zaps his opponent, "This oughtta keep him quiet!"

Action Boy sets up a system of vibration which shakes him loose from the trash can. The Checkered Trashman begins firing his machine gun at the lad, which his opponent barely dodges.

BEM acks, diving backwards as he sees the weapon departing his opponent's hand. With his triple-human speed he barely manages to escape a fatal blow, though the shuriken lodges itself shallowly, drawing blood. He draws it out and scowls at the toddler, "Someone needs a spanking."

Flex Mentallo runs around, trying to evade Major Maker's stomping boots. He curses his opponent in a little, piping, mickeymouse voice, while the other only laughs. "Ow," says Goody Rickels, "ow ow ow." He gets frantic as Mr. Clown brandishes the pickle slicer, and in a nasal voice he continues, "Well, the burgers weren't that bad ... I tasted worse when I visited Calcutta ... "

Fighting American struggles as the snake increases in size, becoming more like a giant boa constrictor as it wraps around him with its powerful muscles.

Speedboy manages to grab the Checkered Trashman's trash can lid, discarded when Action Boy escaped. He tries to shield himself from Terminato's bullets. "I don't know what you're saying in Spanish," he shouts out, "but it sounds nasty."

Tarantula sits on the floor, holding his head. "Ooooh," he says, then looking around. "Where am I?" he asks, Mr. Normal's zap having ended the hypnotic spell which transformed ordinary Joseph Levitch into the daringly Gallic Tarantula. He suddenly notices the chaos about him. "Ooooh, enough with the violence and the hurting!" he cries out, fleeing the scene. Mr. Normal's hand sparks like lightning, "Now who else needs some illumination?"

Action Boy takes his cue from his ally, grabbing up the Checkered Trashman's metal trash can, and catching the bullets inside it. He advances slowly as his opponent continues firing, maneuvering back and forth to keep the repeated firing in check.

Starchild emits an ear piercing scream of frustration, and draws out another throwing star. BEM leaps at the toddler, catching his wrist. Starchild leans over and begins sucking on BEM's thumb with superhuman force, raising a shout of pain from the teenager.

Flex Mentallo manages to run underneath a table, temporarily safe from Major Maker's attack. He squeaks, "Face the power of Muscle Mystery!" As his opponent scoffs, Flex Mentallo braces himself into a classic pose. "Pump it UP ... unh!" he shouts, bunching his muscles. Major Maker stands agape as Flex begins to increase in size. "Pump it UP ...ung! Pump it UP ... urgh!" Finally, Flex Mentallo stands erect, overturning the table and scattering the villains' ill-gotten gains. Above him shines the classic 'hero halo': HERO OF THE BEACH! "Now, let's try this again, shall we?" he flexes.

"Owww," whines Goody Rickels. He struggles harder as Mr. Clown manages to make a prick in his nose with the pickle slicer. Suddenly, a fleeing Joseph Levitch accidentally manages to thwap Mr. Clown in the face with two of the Tarantula's auxiliary arms, as he makes his way to the door. Surprised, Mr. Clown falls down onto his rear end. Goody Rickels takes advantage of his opponent's weakened condition by performing a body slam. "Gotcha!" Fighting American manages to work himself free of the giant snake, and tosses the creature onto Mr. Normal. "Illuminate _this_, he shouts. Mr. Normal screams and zaps the boa constrictor, but the creature's brain is too small to affect. The Lizard Empress gives an anguished cry and rushes to defend her creature, hitting Mr. Normal about the head.

Speedboy waits for Terminato to reload, filling the air with Spanish profanity as he does so, and throws the trash can lid unerringly at his opponent, striking him with the force of a freight train.

Action Boy gets closer and closer to the Checkered Trashman, and finally upends his own trash can atop him, only to find it clatter the the ground emptily. He leans down to peer underneath the metal shell, only to be struck on the back of the head by his teleporting opponent's machine gun barrel.

BEM tries to pry Starchild off his thumb, but to no avail. "This will .. hurt you ... more than it does me ... " he says as he tries to whack the toddler against the wall.

Major Maker quickly attempts to recalibrate his weapon, but Flex Mentallo grabs it out of his hand. Placing it beneath one massive pectoral muscle, he flexes mightily, crushing the object. With one massive fingertip he reaches forward, flicking the skinny super-villain in the chin and knocking him out. Looking around, he strides behind the Checkered Trashman who is standing over the stunned Action Boy. "Try that trick with me," he flexes, his rippling abdominal muscles creating a null-teleportational field as he topples his opponent.

Fighting American strides over to BEM and places each of his hands on Starchild's jaw. The toddler whines as his jaws are slowly prised apart, then cries as Fighting American places him over his knee and proceeds to spank him.

Action Boy, shaking his head to clear it, races over to the engaged Lizard Empress and Mr. Normal. He grabs each end of the snake and whirls it around with the speed of Mercury, finally tying it into a knot thus encasing the pair of villains.

Goody Rickels looks around at the subdued villains. "Well, that was unpleasant, as well as unappetising," he says. "I guess I oughta go try to find out what happened to the Tarantula?"

Action Boy nods, "Good plan. I'll race through the rest of the warehouse, see if I can find any more poor pets that haven't been .. er .. processed yet."

Fighting American hands Starchild to Flex Mentallo, who wraps one arm about the bawling toddler. "BEM, contact the police, and, I suppose, the Department of Health. Let's get this place closed down."

"In the meantime," says Fighting American with a grin, "I think these villains should make up for all the trouble they caused, by eating every one of their own products!"

* * *

The DC Universe of characters, which includes 90% of all the ones written about on this site, their images and logos are all legally copyrighted to DC Comics and its parent company of Time/Warner. The Checkered Trashman, The Lizard Empress, Major Maker, Mr. Clown, Mr. Normal, Pigboy, Starchild, Terminato, and McDumbbell's Foodburgers are all legally copyrighted to National Lampoon, Inc.


	4. Case Four: The Curse of Volthoom

Clive Arno looks up from the microscope, rubbing his eyes. He glances over to the sleeping form of his son, Carl, and sighs. He wonders whether this is the right sort of life for a teenager. At least now he has peers, he thinks, contemplating Speedboy and BEM, even though the first is sometimes jingoistic and the second has an odd quality about him that Arno can't quite place.

He carefully replaces the pottery fragment back in its case. He'll have to do more research about the food preservation habits of this ancient Hellenic peoples on some other date, he judges, as his eyesight was starting to blur.

When the blow comes, he barely notices.

The three intruders start to ransack the studio, overturning shelves and opening drawers, scattering their contents to the floor. The first is a man in a green bodysuit, trunks, and hood. He has dark gloves, a crest down the front of his hood, and pale green goggles. On his chest is an emerald scarab. The second is a man wearing a full body costume. It is mostly brownish-gray with red shorts, boots, gloves and belt. There is a red bear on the front of his cowl. On his chest and back are red and white stripes, with a red stylized hammer & sickle in a red circle on his chest. Accompanying him is a blonde teenage girl wearing a loose brownish-gray outfit with red accessories.

"Is this it, Scarab?" says the girl. She holds up a pair of objects: one a small silver coin, the other of which appears to be three coins, partially melted together.

The man in green whom she'd addressed comes over and examines them closely. "Exactly," he says, tossing them to the man in brown who secures them in a small belt case. "Watch over these, Agent Amerika. Our versions of this duo will find these artifacts very handy. Now let's make our way to the computer center, we have work to do."

They make their way through the building. "This is so freaky," says the girl, "it's like the headquarter we got from Doc Zilber, but everything's backwards. I can't figure out where I am."

Agent Amerika shrugs, "Don't worry about it, Spice. Everything's like that in their backwards dimension."

Finally, the trio wind their way to the main room with its high, domed ceiling; set into the wall is an advanced computer system with a wall-size computer screen, which at the moment is flashing through television news broadcasts from across the globe. Seated in a business-like red chair, leaning back with his feet up on the control board, Blue Beetle scans the emergency reports. He spies the intruders as they enter, and furrows his brow. "Who - " his question is cut off as they attack.

Blue Beetle and Scarab match blow for blow, eyes crackling angrily with electricity. Agent Amerika and Spice play tag team, never giving Blue Beetle respite between Scarab's repeated, powerful blows. Blue Beetle pulls Scarab up into the air, and the two duel for a moment before the former's blows start wear down his opponent. He slides against the other, slamming him downwards into Agent Amerika and Spice, then shocking the three of them with lightning from his eyes.

He floats downward. "Now let's find out what this was all about, eh?" He reaches for Scarab's mask to remove it, when the latter reaches up and grabs his belt buckle. "Khaji Da!" he shouts, and Blue Beetle shouts out in the ensuing explosion which draws his energy into the Scarab.

Scarab stands and grins, energy rippling through his muscles. "This feels great," he says with a laugh, "I should have done it long ago."

Agent Amerika wipes a trail of blood from his chin and helps Spice to stand. "Great, I'm happy for you," he says dourly. "Now let's access their computer files and get out of here."

"Yeah," agrees Spice. "It's time to save the world."

* * *

**THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA**  
**Case Four: "The Curse of Volthoom"**

* * *

Under gray skies, the desert of Texas echoes with the sounds of battle.

Mighty Eagle & Flamehair dodge through the skies, harassing the man on the flying horse as he blasts away at them with bolts of energy from what appear to be antique six-shooters. Finally the man sees the sun blocked from view, as Tall Tree rises behind him like a mighty oak. Tall Tree reaches out an immense hand, crushing the metallic horse. The rider topples to safety, slowing his fall by firing his blasters repeatedly at the ground, and then rolling to his feet only to be smashed in the face by Swashbuckler's fighting staff. "I think Terra Man's down for the count," says Swashbuckler.

His teammates descend, or shrink back to normal human size. "He should have known better than to go up against the Dust Devils," notes Flamehair.

Mighty Eagle nods in agreement, "I'll notify the folks at the Unusual Operatives Division, and we'll wrap him up and take him in." He draws out a micro-telephone from his utility belt.

Tall Tree mutters under his breath, "One less cowboy to worry about." He walks over to look at the crumpled remnants of the robotic horse.

Swashbuckler, overhearing, only sighs. Sometimes he preferred fighting crime solo back in Houston, but even his uncle, the hero known as the Vigilante, had joined a super-team before the seven of them vanished in 1948.

Mighty Eagle disconnects from his conversation. "No time to rest," he says. "UOD operative codenamed Yankee Doodle reported an attack on his external base, after which three of his teammates have apparently disappeared. His attackers apparently accessed their computer systems, and according to someone named ... " he tilts his head, "Goody Rickels, they appear to be heading our way. Flamehair, you stay here and guard Terra-Man until the authorities arrive."

"Aw c'mon," Flamehair complains, slipping off his domino mask and his headcover which simulates a shaved skull with a flaming red mohawk, to reveal a full head of dark brown hair. "I didn't give up the life of pop superstar Chip O'Doole just to be a prison guard. Besides," he looks up, "I think it's gonna rain."

Mighty Eagle says, "He can't be left alone, and this is too important for us to ignore. They're heading to one of the most ancient archeological sites on the reservation."

Tall Tree snorts. "I'm surprised you even care, you with all your fake spiritualism and white man's technology. You're just as bad as Terra Man," he says, holding the decapitated head of the robot horse, "transforming something magical and natural into something false and artificial."

Mighty Eagle glances at Tall Tree. "Just because you were hit by lightning and had it activate some sort of latent mutation, you shouldn't go around mocking science. We'll never get anywhere that way, unless you're satisfied being a beggerman and a thief."

Tall Tree extends a hand, "Listen you ... " but Swashbuckler steps between the pair, fighting staff balanced horizontally. "Listen, both of you. You can argue spirituality all you want later, let's take care of these invaders first, all right?"

Tall Tree pushes the staff aside, but keeps his silence.

Mighty Eagle nods, "That was all I ever wanted to do."

Later, the trio stand at the opening to a cave. Rain pours down, running off into winter creeks.

"Amazing to think this site dates back a thousand akkals, or ten thousand years," says the elderly, bespectacled archeologist Daniel Hardin from under his umbrella.

Tall Tree snorts at the man's poor pronunciation of his own native Apache dialect, but does not bother to correct him.

Mighty Eagle removes a flashlight from his utility belt and shines it into the cave, revealing a long tunnel which descends interminably into the darkness. He glances at his companions. "Inward and downward," he says wryly.

Swashbuckler had been leaning on his fighting staff. At Mighty Eagle's words, he swivels it up and slides it into a holster on his back. He peers at Tall Tree curiously. "Are you coming with us?"

Tall Tree closes his eyes for a moment, muttering a quick chant under his breath. "I have no desire to disturb what has lain peacefully for so long a time," he glances at the archeologist sourly. "But I have even less of a desire to see my people's history desecrated by invaders."

They glance up at the familiar sound of a Kandorian jet-belt as Flamehair lands aside them. The lad grins at Mighty Eagle, "Terra Man's under lockdown, boss. Now can I come along? What's in the cave?"

Daniel Hardin says, "According to legend, an ancient demon. Hundreds of years ago two great chiefs, Saganowahna and Xupakiglake Wicasa, managed to bind it there."

Mighty Eagle quirks a half-smile. "That remains to be seen. Let's go."

The quartet pass through the entrance of the cave and out of the rain. The maze continues on past the sun's reach, and they find themselves following only Mighty Eagle's flashlight.

"What is this place," Flamehair asks, "an old mine? That science guy said it's too old for that, but it sure looks like one."

Swashbuckler says, "I hope not ... the area is littered with old abandoned gold mines ... makes the ground weak, you can step out of your car in the wrong place and the earth underneath you will just cave in."

Mighty Eagle runs a hand along the wall of the tunnel. "I doubt it. Feel that surface? It's almost smooth, it's as if it was moulded out of clay."

Tall Tree says, "Maybe our ancestors had more ideas than you give them credit for."

"Maybe," Mighty Eagle admits, for the sake of avoiding argument.

Flamehair wrinkles his nose as they continue. "What's that smell?"

"Death," says Tall Tree.

"There's light up ahead," observes Mighty Eagle.

As the tunnel continues, the stale, rotted smell increases, and finally they find themselves in a large opening, illuminated from an unknown source. The room is circular, the walls moulded in the same uneven method as if it had been scooped out by an immensely powerful hand. Along the outside rim of the room are a series of empty pedestals, on which a colorfully garbed trio are arranging a series of black oblate spheres.

They glance at the newcomers. "Who the hell are you?" demands the Scarab.

Agent Amerika shakes his head in disgust. "They don't even look familiar. How many 'super-heroes' does this damned world have, anyway?"

Swashbuckler draws his fighting staff at the ready. "I was going to ask you the same question," he replies to the Scarab. "May I ask what you're doing here exactly?"

"We're saving the world," insists Spice. Agent Amerika silences her with a glare.

"Seems like an odd place to be doing it from," says Mighty Eagle.

Scarab raises his hands placatingly. "Listen, there's no need to fight this out. Let me explain. Years ago, a white Martian named S'ka M'axx came to our Earth bearing with him the curse of a Martian deity named Vulthoom."

Tall Tree blinks. Our Earth? He thinks to himself, what sort of doubletalk is that?

"After years of the curse passing from human to human, bringing death and life, Vulthoom took over a man named Joseph Harrolds, by tempting him with power. Some of us managed to negotiate with Vulthoom, arranging to provide an entrance here in order to spare our world," the Scarab continues.

Swashbuckler bristles, "We're just supposed to stand here and let you do this?"

"Of course not," says the Scarab. "Come to our world, you could do well there. Anything you want would be yours for the taking. Or, stay here and rule ... "

"I see you liked that idea yourself, from wherever you came from," Mighty Eagle says. "I think we'll pass, thanks ... "

"Then leave us in peace to save our world." Scarab nods slightly to Spice, who lights a torch and brings it close to one of the spheres.

Mighty Eagle smiles bitterly. "I think we'll take your earlier advice and not let you do this. Thanks all the same." He breaks out in a fearsome, eagle-like cry and the quartet spring forward into an attack. "The magic of a hundred serpents will put paid to your vile plan," he says as he tosses a handful of pellets at Scarab which erupt into flaming snakes which begin to slither over him. As his opponent recoils with a shout, Tall Tree doubles in size and grabs him from behind.

Swashbuckler lowers his staff to the ground and vaults forward in a single smooth motion, striking Agent Amerika in the stomach and then swinging the staff around for a blow to his head.

Flamehair jets across the alcove. "Let's play nice now," he says as he tackles Spice.

Scarab's eyes crackle with electricity. "Once that might have daunted me," he grins as he breaks free of Tall Tree's grip, knocking the giant backwards and striking Mighty Eagle with a bolt of lightning.

Agent Amerika evades Swashbuckler's strike and grips the other end of the fighting staff in his powerful hands. "I was created to be the ultimate secret agent to your country, and it is going to take a lot more than that to put me down." He flips backwards, dragging Swashbuckler with him as the other crashes to the floor.

Spice steps backwards at Flamehair's frontal assault, but braces herself and then flips him to the floor, striking him down with metallically hard fists. "Nice try," she smirks, as she lights three of the spheres.

Mighty Eagle soars, unaffected by the lightning blast while in mid-air, but finds his lungs filling with a flowery odor from the spheres, and wavers to the ground as he begins to lose concentration.

* * *

"I can't believe my dilemma is real  
I'm competing with the man of steel ... "

Chip O'Doole finished his song, and the girls in the audience screamed their glee even louder. He shook his head for a moment, dispersing the odd superhero fantasy that had come over him while he sang. Maybe I oughta drop this song from the repertoire, he thought.

A girl with pale blonde hair, almost white, reached out to him from the front of the stage, tears running down her cheeks. He smiled, and leaned down to brush her fingertips with his. The girl lurched forward to grab his hand, pulling him off-balance so he landed in the crowd.

"Chip! Chip! Chip!" the girls shouted as they swarmed around him. He allowed himself to laugh, buoyed by the crowd, looking around for his security team. "Hey girls," he said as they started to tear at his clothes.

"More, god I love you, more more more, I need you," screamed the pale-haired girl, as she bit into his chest, drawing blood.

Chip yelped with pain and started to push her away, "Hey now girls," he said until someone pushed in from behind him and bit into the side of his throat. The sight of blood seemed to incite the crowd and the teenage girls swarmed around him in a feeding frenzy, "more more more" they chanted, their teeth tearing off gobbets of flesh, until he disappeared in the crowd ...

Chip O'Doole woke with a start. He was alone in the bedroom. God, what a horrible nightmare, he thought to himself.

He shivered and got out of bed, scratching at his week's worth of stubble and pulling the blanket around him to protect himself from the cold. He wandered through the hallway to his living room, stepping over the empty food containers and other garbage which littered the floor. He came to the living room, noting the people who slept dreamlessly, scattered about the furnitureless room.

He sighed to himself. "One-hit wonder," he muttered. He wished he hadn't had to sell the leather couch along with the rest of the furniture, though. Then he saw something familiar, and his eyes brightened.

He lit the candle and knelt down, wrapping the rubber tubing around his upper arm. "At least the morning isn't a total waste," he grumbled as he heated the metal spoon, finally drawing the sweet liquid through the needle. As the sharp metal pierced his inner arm, he undid the tubing and felt the rush. It's like flying, he thought to himself, and as his mind went upwards he heard a voice.

"You had sung all your songs," the voice said. "You faced this as your future, instead you found new allies and a life of adventure. You found it because in your darkest hour you came to me. You came to Vulthoom, and I showed you the way. Embrace me now."

* * *

The young boy stared aghast at the bear which stood aside the bodies of his parents. An orphan, he thought ... if only my spear hadn't broken ...

The great beast reached down and batted the small offending stick out of its fur. It had barely penetrated through the muscle. The bear roared its anger and the boy turned to run away, hysterical with fear.

The boy heard the thud of the paws against the ground as the beast followed him. If only I could fly like an eagle, he thought, looking up to the skies as he felt the paws tearing across his back.

The man known as Broken Spear jerked his head upright. He looked around the antiseptic, air-conditioned office and ran his finger inside his starched collar. Amazing he could fall asleep in here, he thought. I better cut out working all those nights.

He pushed himself away from the desk with a sigh, closing his eyes for a moment. Enough of this survivor guilt, he thought. I can't let my parents' deaths run my entire life. I have other things to do.

He adjusted his tie and stared down at the reports about the uranium mines. They were being very productive, and the Mighty Eagle Mining Corp. was probably going to go public next year.

He glanced at the paperclipped sheet from his security department. Another picket line. He sighed. He hated writing press releases, but he had to counter all those stories in the newspaper about increased leukemia rates on the reservation.

He stood up, stretching against the crick in his back. He walked over the the small table where coffee was brewing, and sniffed to savor the rich smell. Now this is worth living for, he thought, as he poured some into a cup and took a sip.

He winced with pain and quickly put the cup down, to clutch his side. Damn ulcer is back, he grumbled to himself, I better cut out working all those nights.

He poured the rest of the contents of the coffee pot into the sink. As it whirlpooled into the drain he thought they resembled a dark pair of eyes, looking almost like his parents' for a moment. He heard their voices in his head: is this the life we wanted for you, our son?

He heard another voice in his head then, older and stronger. "You had lost your soul and betrayed your people and their traditions," the voice said. "You faced this as your future, instead you found new allies and a life of adventure. You found it because in your darkest hour you came to me. You came to Vulthoom, and I showed you the way. Embrace me now."

* * *

Michael Carter took aim and fired. The shot went wide, not coming close to its target. He felt a blow to the side of the head. "Ow!" he looked up, and he saw his uncle scowling down at him. Greg Saunders shook his head in contempt. "You're never gonna amount to a hill o' beans at this rate," he said to the boy.

Michael started to sniffle. Saunders rolled his eyes. "You're worse than that lily-livered father o' yours. Why my sister decided to marry that man I will never know." He placed a strong hand on Michael's head and forcefully swiveled it to face the target. "Now, try it again."

Suddenly, the center of the target started to swirl around, the darkness expanding into a nighttime sky, and reshaping to form the body of a man made of sky. "Ne-bu-loh!" the man said, and Michael felt the powerful gravitational pull the man exerted.

Greg Saunders started to topple, and he clutched at the gun rack desperately as he was sucked in. "Help me Michael!" he cried out. "Shoot him! You're the only one who can save me! Help me!" He screamed, as Michael held the gun with trembling hands, to watch his uncle disappear into the blackness.

Michael Carter blinked as he was suddenly blinded by the flashing colors. He drew back, taking a moment to recover from the images they had created in his head. "That supposed to frighten me?" he said, rejecting the false images of his uncle's fate and his own past as he faced down his opponent. "Takes more'n technicolor to scare off The Vigilante, Junior."

Rainbow Woman laughed, "You ain't half the man the original were, I mean was, I mean ... ahh crap!"

"CUT!"

The director scowled. "C'mon Sally, try to hold it together for the rest of the scene?"

She adjusted the top of her rainbow-striped bikini. "Sorry Charlie."

"Ok, let's break for coffee and try again. Carter, at least try for a convincing Texas accent, ok? You got your next line, right?"

Michael Carter sighed. "I say, 'Maybe not, but I'm sure hung like his horse,' and then I rip off the leather chaps."

The director said, "Right on."

Michael Carter sighed again. I hate myself. He walked over to where Sally was sitting, and leans back against the table. "Hey Sally."

She looked up and wiped her nose. "Hey Mikey. Wanna cut?" She offered him the mirror with the parallel lines of white power on top.

He leaned forward to take the offering, positioning the straw at the end of one of the lines. I hate myself, he thought. I wish I'd been the one to sacrifice myself instead of Wing, when the Law's Legionnaires had all disappeared.

Something worth dying for is better than nothing worth living for. Underneath the pleasant buzz running through his head, he heard a still small voice.

"You had never lived up to your uncle's legacy, so you slid into a life of degradation" the voice said. "You faced this as your future, instead you found new allies and a life of adventure. You found it because in your darkest hour you came to me. You came to Vulthoom, and I showed you the way. Embrace me now."

* * *

Tall Tree looked at his friends, Crazy Horse, Rain-In-The-Face, and Thunder Cloud as they sat by the Dallas city street, signs in hand soliciting donations for a school back on the reservation. It was a pretty harmless scam, he told himself, and it's not like they ever had a chance in the white man's world anyway.

As if from a great height, he saw Crazy Horse look into the painted basket they'd use for donations, having collected only $1.65 that morning. The words echoed familiarly through his brain as his friend prompted them to call upon their ancestors using an ancient Apache chant. No, he wanted to say, don't ...

As they chanted, a storm brewed above them, a bolt of lightning striking down from the heavens. In horror, Tall Tree smelled burning flesh as his friends perished in the super-charged electricity.

He felt the jolt, and opened his eyes again. The cold, clinical face of a doctor stared down at him as he felt a nurse unstrap the electrical wires from his temples. "There, there," the doctor said, "I'm sure you'll be feeling much better soon."

Dreaming again, he thought. Gotta stop that.

Later, he sat in the lounge, dressed in the same anonymous blue garment as the other patients. There were sparks in the sky and explosions outside, and he whimpered in a familar fear, wetting himself. Aw, nurse gonna be mad, he thought.

The door opened to the main area, and a man with a white goatee dressed in a garish red-white-and-blue suit came in, "Happy 4th of July, friends!" he said to the patients. "We can see the fireworks the county sets off from the window, if we all look carefully," he smiled in a false jocularity.

As some of the patients flocked to the windows, the man walked over to Tall Tree and slipped him something out of view of the nurses. "A little present for my favorite drunken Injun," he said with a wink, and Tall Tree felt the familiar sensation of holding a glass flask.

Tall Tree lifted the flask to his lips, and paused. "I"

The man dressed as Uncle Sam tilted his head, "Yes, redskin? What is it?"

"I ... I'm not ... "

"Sure you are," the man patted his head. "Drink up."

"I ... I am not this!" He threw the bottle to the floor, shattering the glass as he staggered to his feet.

"Oh Christ ... nurse!" the man shouted, trying to push Tall Tree back down into his chair. "The redskin's acting up again!"

"I am not this!" Tall Tree said again. "I was given power by my ancestor, the Apache chief Enukchuk! Great power!"

As he shouted, he began to increase in size, filling the room as the terrified patients and staff ran away. "Enukchuck! Enukchuk!" he shouted, again and again, until he felt a flood of water across his face.

* * *

"Enukchuck! Enukchuk!" he shouts, again and again, until he feels a flood of water across his face. His body fills the alcove, pressing against the interior walls and into an adjoining mineshaft, flooding the room with water and extinguishing the flames.

Scarab watches in despair as his plan goes awry. "It's a wash," he calls out to his allies. "Volthoom!" he shouts, vanishing into mid-air as he struggles against the flood. "Volthoom!" shouts Spice, as she too disappears.

"Volthoom!" shouts Agent Amerika, to no avail. "Volthoom!" As Tall Tree shrinks to more accessible proportions, Mighty Eagle flies at the Russian villain, slamming him into the wall. Agent Amerika reaches into his belt case, drawing forth a handful of gleaming coins, which he tosses at Mighty Eagle. "Volthoom!" he cries out a third time, and finally disappears.

Mighty Eagle grabs the coins, looking around at his compatriots as they awaken from their nightmarish delusions. "Back to the surface! Move!" He grabs Swashbuckler under his arms and draws him out, Flamehair's Kandorian belt-jelts propelling him easily through the water, Tall Tree lumbering quickly behind.

As they reach the surface, the rain begins to slow. Flamehair looks up. "That was horrible," he mutters.

Swashbuckler remains silent, but only nods his assent.

Mighty Eagle looks at Tall Tree, "Your strength came in handy, my friend. Without you we'd still be down there, or slaves to Vulthoom."

Tall Tree shrugs. "I've faces worse nightmares than that, in my time."

Elseworld ...

Fighting American grins ruefully. "I never thought I'd be working alongside Luthor."

"No kidding," says Speedboy.

Alex Luthor smiles. "I can well imagine. I appreciate the help the three of you were able to give me with the Kryptonian, and it looks like the dimensional barrier between our worlds has fluctuated again." He glances at his computer screen. "Step into the dimensional transporter, I can send you home now."

Blue Beetle claps him on the shoulder. "If you ever need any more help from us, just let us know."

Alex Luthor smiles as his new friends step into the transporter. "I will consider it." He activates the device as the three heroes disappear with a golden glow, to find themselves in a new world.

As they enter the room they find themselves in an alcove on the far right, they are in a room with some of the greatest heroes of the day; in the center is a bright red light like an alarm, with a gallery of photos on the walls, showing a high, domed ceiling which fills the entire floor . To their immediate right is a table, on which is a detailed model of an identical alcove opposite them in the room. A wall-size computer screen, which at the moment is an advanced computer system interface flashing through red chairs from across the globe... it seems built almost to more-than-human proportions ... wafts over. Surrounding it, beside it, set into the wall, in the centre of the room is a white table with slanted sides, square, the coffee machine corners cut off. Set on the table beside the light is a small raised platform, on which is a complete set of the rich scent of a series of business-like Blue Metropolis Mountain coffeecoffee cups and a percolating television news b roadcasts.

Before them is a man thin to the point of being emaciated, whose arms seem unusually long. He is barechested, wearing only a sash across his waist and pantaloons like an Arabian dancer. Where he ought to have a head, is attached a falcon, which returns their gaze with piercing eyes. He points at them accusingly. "Ha, ha, ha, ah. It! Ha!"


	5. Five Case: Leave No Remnants of Ought St

Lady Body, a voluptuous woman wearing a mannish-looking black suit. A red ascot is around her neck, she conceals her face behind a veil structured within a yellow-wire frame, and a yellow fedora is atop her head.

Peaceful, an older man wearing dark glasses. He is clad in blue trousers, coat, and a black-and-white striped shirt; a red beret forms the rest of his regalia.

Senor Circular, a dapper, elegant man in a well-tailored white suit. His face is fleshless, leaving only the bare bones revealed.

Stepladder, what appears to be an elderly woman wearing a white-cuffed black dress, with a red shawl around her shoulders, in a wheelchair and carrying a white cane with which she gestures. Her head is unseeable behind a lampshade, and a white rabbit is on her lap.

The Undoubtedly, a man thin to the point of being emaciated, whose arms seem unusually long. He is barechested, wearing only a sash across his waist and pantaloons like an Arabian dancer. Where he ought to have a head, is attached a falcon, which returns your gaze with piercing eyes.

Zero, a middle-aged woman with heavy black eyebrows, unusually thick black eyelashes, and pouty lips with black lipstick. She is wearing an all-white winter dress in a futuristic style, her black hair tied behind her white, fur-lined hood. Her hands are in black gloves.

Favorites your all! Pulse in a story pounding, we call:

**THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA  
****Five Case****: Leave No Remnants of Ought Still Raging Manana**

* * *

Last issue, Scarab Green, Armenian Fight & Slowboy alternately universal to a tranport! Their in places, oddly three intruders named (Blue Beetle, Fighting American & Speedboy) stood. With, the story on now:

The Undoubtedly says, "Long emergency, please."

Speedboy blinks. "What did he just say?"

Stepladder's white rabbit says, "I saw something lying on the emergency, humiliating! Wealthy. Well, but I'm not sure."

Blue Beetle raises his hands. "Look, we don't want any trouble."

Zero says, "A crossword puzzle burning in the originalll - the rest of the mansion misspelled. OK! Still - they ran up a tremendous ill." Frost a glove removes, Blue Beetle she encases aims projecting, her power opponent is in ice.

Stepladder's white rabbit says, "Yes - it is dark - and I suppose if one didn't doubt - " Without pallor of another Fighting American & Speedboy word two of the League a darkness between each raise their arms casting them which encases. Peaceful says, "I notice you see. I'm a shawl and dark blind death."

Within the miniature glacier, Blue Beetle releases a charge of electricity, straining against his prison. Finally his exertion shatters it, ice fragments splintering about the room, striking Zero in the forehead as he flies up into the air. Zero says, "Oh - oh - oh - Zero - Zero's okay."

Fighting American & Speedboy flounder in the darkness, unprotected against their attackers which seem able to strike at them unaffected by the lack of light. Using his skills as if by instinct, Fighting American grabs one of his opponents, tossing them out of the lightless field.

Peaceful the ground; solicitously Lady Body dazed approaches to him crashes. She says, "Look Peaceful, recruit your _real_ racket!"

Senor Circular says, "We're flying empty-one-way." He and confront the Undoubtedly raise to Blue Beetle into the air. The Undoubtedly says, "I not only know who perfected my miraculously making more evidence to prove prove beginning, but - I must not catch nobody!"

Blue Beetle backs away, mid-air, hands raised placatingly. "Look ... there's been some misunderstanding ... we're lost here ... we meant no harm."

Stepladder's white rabbit says, "Oh. Lying absolutely."

Lady Body to opening it the veil, and pulls a cord attached inch. An energy the probes space, striking Blue Beetle she his piercing emits from wave of as mind. She perplexingly kneels, shaking her falls to her head. But finally, to Stepladder, who Fighting American & Speedboy. Reluctantly darkness withdraws she signs the cover of from. Lady Body says, "Had to hide their secret exit and I'm glad you've enquired."

Zero says, "But I know, don't I, myself!? I knew where the ice long long the key - a very long time! Tremendous!"

Speedboy looks around, still trying to orient himself. "So that means we're all friends now?"

The Undoubtedly says, "Really, somebody, why? Tut-tut! Your sense of something in it - truth! Oh-h-it!"

Stepladder trio to follow her as something resembling she wheels down the hallway. They find beckons the otherworldy themselves in the experimental which Goody Rickels was developing transporter device. Stepladder's white rabbit says, "Originally had a secret notation built to the outside through the evidence. Ay! He used it whenever he wanted dragged back rolled-up partly-worked turned words telling the truth."

Zero onto the them the platform device as Stepladder activates guides. Zero says, "The hunchswitch is to high for me to reach. But I can find you no possible way to reach a multi-millionaire in flames."

Blue Beetle says, "I think that sounds something like, 'Good luck.'"

Speedboy flashes the heroes a peace sign as they vanish, "And good riddance," he mutters to himself.

As the reality from fades trio, Senor Circular says, "M! N. O!"

In the headquarters of the Substitute League of America, Yankee Doodle, Goody Rickels, Captain Action & Action Boy eye their experimental transporter with relief as Blue Beetle, Fighting American & Speedboy appear. Goody Rickels wipes his brow, "I wasn't sure that would work at all, yanno," he says to Yankee Doodle.

Yankee Doodle approaches the trio, "Are you ok?"

Speedboy sighs, "There's no place like home. What happened?"

Captain Action shakes his head. "We were ambushed, and couldn't locate you at all. Then the teleporter activated, and these three ... I guess you would call them anthropomorphic animals ... appeared and attacked us, but it was evidently a misunderstanding, so ... "

Blue Beetle silences him with a wave. "Please, don't say another word. I really, really don't want to know."


	6. Case Six: And Men Shall Call Them - Evi

John Dandy scowls. "You know I don't approve of fraternisation in the ranks."

Caroline Dean looks up at him from the deskchair in her suite. "So you've said. I personally think you're letting this 'secret agent extraordinary' title go to your head. We're not your 'ranks.'"

He says, "We all agreed that I was to be operational leader."

She says, "Yes, we needed a field commander and you have the most command and tactical experience of anyone here. But that's as far as we go. I'm a NASA Special Agent, and Johnny Flagg's with Project Fighting American ... you know perfectly well the UOD has no jurisdiction over either of us ... and the rest of the team are free agents."

He says, "The Unusual Operatives Division claims authority over all government-enlisted costumed agents. The Dust Devils, the ... "

She cuts him off with a wave of her hand. "The Pentagon can claim authority over whomever it wants, that doesn't make it so. Talk it over with the President is you like. I answer to him." She sighs. "Look John ... Dan and and I have something special, ok? I feel like ... he's from the same universe as I am ... we connect in ways I never have with anyone else. Don't make this difficult, please."

He sighs. "You two can spend your free time dancing the charleston for all I care, but I'm ... " John Dandy is cut off by an emergency siren from the central room. But I'm never going to be able to finish any of my sentences, he thinks to himself, as he and Caroline Dean don the masks of Yankee Doodle and Liberty Belle.

Yankee Doodle secures the emergency phone line as the rest of the extant team assembles. "I received an urgent message from the police department - an entire tenement building in Vanity City is warping into superspace."

BEM scans the computer monitor before him. He says "Every unfilled closet, every unused drawer, every empty space, has escaped, rebelled, and combined to form a new super-dimensional configuration of hyper-geometrical spaces."

FIex Mentallo flexes, "You want to try that again in English, kid? Some of us here aren't equipped with tri-human intellects."

BEM says "The building is shaping itself into a vast gateway, opening onto dimensions we dare only dream about. Who know what might emerge from such a portal?"

Liberty Belle says "So what are we waiting for? There are people in there who need our help!"

* * *

**THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA**  
**Case Six: "And Men Shall Call Them - Evil!"  
(with apologies to Grant Morrison)**

* * *

Stargrave Street, Vanity City: a building suspended in mid-air, in fact ones eye seems to have difficulty focussing on it. Does it really have a fire escape that seems to turn in on itself and then spin off into nothingness? Do its walls really splay out from the center at such an angle, smooth points and floating brick bubbles?

As the fantastic foursome arrive, they espy a colorfully garbed duo engaged in assisting hapless citizens out of the reconfigured building. The gentleman is wearing a dress suit of the 1700's style colored in red, white and blue with a black domino mask. The lady is wearing a spiky circlet around her blonde hair and a golden sleeveless toga; she has metallic bracelets around each forearm, and a gold star on each cheek.

Liberty Belle approaches the patriotic pair. "I take it you're the local talent? We're here to help."

The gentleman swoops down from the air, depositing a child into its mother's arms. "Anything would be helpful ... we go by Mister America and Liberty Lass. We do have our own local squadron, but the other three members are on another mission." He indicates the reality-fluctuating building with a nod. "There're still people trapped in there, but it's almost impossible to navigate."

Liberty Lass nods, "And we can't tell if the distortion field is going to start affecting the inhabitents, too ... so far it hasn't, but ... "

Flex Mentallo flexes, "I think I can help with that." He approaches the building and his rippling pectoral muscles generate a field of normality, flipping the building back into normal form. "I ... can't ... hold it for long ... " he says through gritted teeth.

Liberty Lass boggles. "Fantastic."

Mister America gives Flex Mentallo a thumb's up as he flies into the building, and BEM runs in at tri-human speed, followed by the rest of the colorful assemblage. Just as the final evacuee is barely out of the way, a blast of crimson energy strikes Flex Mentallo, knocking him to the ground as the building snaps back to its mutated form. At the apex of the structure, several colorful figures appear. Evil Star is a man whose eyes seem to gleam with sheer malice through his crimson, star-shaped mask. He is clad in a tight purple waistcoat, tights, gloves, and hood, with bue boots, trunks, and high-necked cape. On his right wrist is his crimson star-band, which crackles with energy. He says, "Behold! We are the Brotherhood of Evil Star ... and the whole world will kneel before our glory!"

Mister America scratches his head. "Brotherhood of Evil Star? You fought the Doom Patrol, right? But I thought your name was just the Brotherhood of Evil?"

Big, bronze, and clunky, Automaton looks like the classic image of a robot. He is, despite his appearance, capable of smooth action. He has a steam shovel-like jaw and engraved on his chest in gold is an inverted triangle. He says, "Curse you, Evil Star, I told you people would say that, but no, you insisted on having your name in the title."

Evil Star goes Hmmm. "Very well then ... Behold! We are ... the ... Legion of the Evil Strange!"

Nash the Slash is a mysterious figure clad all in white. He is wearing a white tuxedo with tails and a white top hat. He carries with him a very expensive violin and bow. His face and hands are completely concealed behind white bandages and black-tinted sunglasses. He harrumphs, "That's what I wanted to name the team in the first place."

Giganta is a powerful looking woman, around 6 feet tall. She has strong features and arching eyebrows. Her hair is in a wild mane about her shoulders. She is wearing a one-piece leopard-skin garment with one strap over her left shoulder. The garment falls to about mid-thigh, showing her thick, powerfully muscled legs. She says, "No more talk! Talk! Talk! Talk! Giganta has had it up to _here_ with talk!"

Menta is a woman in her late twenties, with shoulder-length, red hair. She is wearing a dark blue top with black arms and shoulders, with dark blue stripe leading down the outside of the arms from the military-style collar. A large gold lightning bolt badge is pinned to her chest. She has red mid-calf high boots, legs in dark blue tights under a just-past-the-knee length dark blue skirt with a red belt. Red wristbands from mid-forearm complete the outfit. She just rolls her eyes at all the foolishness.

Chimera is a boy in his mid- to late teens, with wavey, auburn hair. He is wearing a red bodysuit with green braids around the tops of his arms, with a white stripe leading down the outside each shoulder. He has white mid-calf high boots with a green stripe on top, green cuffs with a white stripe, and white trunks. He remains strangely silent during the interchange, though perhaps he simply lacks an opinion on the matter.

Yankee Doodle glares at the sextet. "Am I to understand that you are behind this ... this hyper-dimensional attack? What exactly are you hoping to gain by endangering innocent people to such an end?"

Evil Star gleams maliciously. "At one time I attempted to ransom the actual physical structure of my home planet of Aora to suit my needs and incapacitate my opponents, although I was discovered before my plan could reach fruition. Consider this an experiment. My success with this one small building will prove my technology is feasible, and soon I will extend the effect to include the entire planet!"

Mister America rises up into the air. "You're insane." He shoots forward at 150 mph, buffeting Evil Star with superfast fists even as his opponent creates a hard light construct.

Liberty Lass skates through the air, landing before Automaton. "I recognise you ... you're Robotman from the Doom Patrol, aren't you? What could have caused you to turn against the law like this?" Automaton says, "I am not Cliff Steele, but Norman Caesar, a neglected scientist who has lived too long in the initials of Niles Caulder, the Chief!" He raises a metallic fist as he barrels towards her, "Here's heavy metal for ya!"

Chimera starts to shift and change form, transforming into a terrifying creature with a head resembling a lion, a body resembling a goat with a goat's head sprouted from its back, and a serpent's head extended like a tail. BEM yows as the creature belches flames at him, "You're gonna make some rodeo ride," he says with a grin, as he evades the flames with tri-human speed, trying to maneuver close enough to attack it directly.

Giganta spies Liberty Belle, and seems irrationally infuriated by the other woman's patriotic garb. "Giganta smash flag-woman!" Liberty Belle barces herself for her opponent's advance, readying a judo throw, and looks discomfitted as Giganta begins to increase in size.

Yankee Doodle unsheathes his gun, "Nice suit," he comments to Nash the Slash. "Want to put away the violin and come peacefully?" The bandaged man raises his bow, and strikes a chord which releases a sonic blast, crumbling the pavement beneath Yankee Doodle's feet, causing him to lose his balance. The man's grin is barely visible beneath the swaths of white, "Oh we're the children of the night, hear us howl in the evening, and when you're dead then we'll be leaving ... "

Flex Mentallo rises to his feet as he recovers from the starblast, surveying the battle surrounding him. Menta approaches the man, "That was a nice trick you did with that rippling chest. Maybe I should add you to my collection of boy slaves." Flex Mentallo flexes, "I don't think so. It's not my policy to hit a woman, so why don't you just surrender now and save us both the trouble?" Menta grins at him, "I don't think my surrendering is in your future, pretty boy," and she furrows her brow directing waves of psychic energy at her opponent.

Mister America is repelled by Evil Star, "You're quick, but I've faced down the Green Lantern Corps in my time," he sneers. "I will leave my starlings to deal with you." As he speaks, miniature versions of Evil Star suddenly swarm over his starts to lose aerial height.

Liberty Lass activates the metallic bracelet around her left forearm, and a force shield in the shape of a heavy tome appears which blocks Automaton's blow. "The book of justice is all I need to defend me," she says. Activating the opposite bracelet, a radiant construct in the shape of a torch appears. "Now face the torch of freedom," she says as a flame burns from the top of the construct, catching her opponent in the face.

Chimera's heads focus their flame on BEM, who ducks and weaves. He maneuvers his way to a nearby building, and leaps to the bottom level of a fire escape, hanging from the grate and only twisting to avoid the firey breath. Chimera charges at him, and as it reaches his location he easily swings himself over into the fire escape, and waves down at the beast. He bolts upwards, chased by the flame as it begins to melt the fire escape, showering his opponent with molton metal. It howls and backs off, glaring at BEM. Chimera shifts again, becoming a stag with gold antlers and brass hooves. It runs to a neighbor building and leaps up the fire escape level by level at blinding speed, making its way to the roof where it glares at BEM, snorting and pointing its gleaming antlers at him.

Liberty Belle looks up at the towering Giganta, and swears to herself, running to an alleyway for cover. "Come out come out wherever you are," says the giant woman. Her powerful legs start to kick away the corners of the buildings leading into the alley, scattering bricks and dust. Liberty Belle draws an oddly bell-shaped gun from a hip holster. "This had better work as well as Goody Rickels said it would," she mutters to herself, as she points it at her opponent and fires, repelling the giantess with a concussive blast of sonic force.

Yankee Doodle grunts, "Don't stay an account of me," as he struggles back to his feet. He reaches inside his jacket, drawing his second gun from its shoulder holster and begins two-handed firing at Nash the Slash, aiming for his violin as well as attempting to harrass him by firing randomly about his person.

Flex Mentallo flexes his epicranial musculature, attempting to block the powerful telepathic attack. He and Menta face each other down, each trying for psychic supremacy. Attempting to conceal his conscious goals, he slowly raises his arms. "I can still cloud men's minds with my biceps," he reassures himself as he bunches his powerful arm muscles.

Mister America whirls around in mid-air, scattering the starlings like a miniature tornado. They explode as they strike the ground like small bullets, Evil Star wincing in pain with each blow, before he uses his starband to extend his reach, securing Mister America painfully inside a giant fist.

Automaton falls back, hand raised instinctively to protect his eyes. He grumbles, his voice like old telephone wire, "I made this body better than that." He steps into the flame, grabbing Liberty Lass by the wrist. She attempts to skate into the air again, but he backhands her and, stunned, she falls to the ground.

"Uh oh," thinks BEM to himself as the stag charges, antlers pointed at his torso. "I don't think I want to be carved back into three pieces." The stag's speed is almost blinding, but at the last minute BEM manages to vault to the side, clutching the stag's neck and sliding up onto its back. He clutches tightly as the stag leaps from rooftop to rooftop attempting to dislodge him. Finally the beast slows, and BEM feels its body contract beneath him. He howls in pain as his torso is clamped down on by a series of needle-like grips, and looks down to see himself astride a great three-headed hound, with a snake's tail and a row of serpent heads sprouting from its back.

Giganta staggers backwards. "Better ... than ... that damn ... magic lasso," she growls. Howling fiercely like a great ape, she increases her size even further. Her immense hand reaches in through the alley, advancing on Liberty Belle.

Nash the Slash backs away, losing ground as Yankee Doodle advances on him, but he soon recovers his composure and strikes a chord on his violin, creating a forcefield which blocks the bullets. With another complex series of chords, the sonic forcefield advances on Yankee Doodle, who backs away slowly.

Menta blinks as she loses concentration, her psychic attack muddled as she loses her focus on Flex Mentallo. He takes her by the shoulder, "That's enough of that, little lady." She backs away, hissing, "You would ... _dare_ ... touch me ... you ... primitive brute!" The air between them sizzles with psychic energy, "Return to the fiction from which you came!" "What the- " cliches Flex Mentallo, as he feels himself becoming oddly two-dimensional, the lines of his rippling muscles resembling nothing more than traced green ink. "I've got the strangest feeling I'm being turned into a drawing!"

Mister America sets up an unsympathetic vibration which disrupts Evil Star's giant fist. Glancing downwards as he hears BEM's cry of pain, he soars to assist the lad. He grabs the hound by the scruff of two of its necks, and vibrates it into intangability, allowing BEM to free himself. The best in Mister America's grip twists and howls, leaping at him as the two of them plummet to the ground. Mid-route the beast inverts itself, becoming a hundred-headed water-serpent with a hound's body which arc to surround the troublesome speedster.

Liberty Lass looks up at Automaton as the other raises his hand again. "Not bad cybernetic design," she says, "but there's more to the sciences than that. She reactivates the book of justice, its close proximity to her attacker causing the robotic arm to be sheared off. She presses her advantage, retracting the shield and then reactivating it in the center of Automaton's torso, sending sparks flying as she disrupts his nerve system.

BEM notes the bedeviled Liberty Belle. "Hey!" he shouts at Giganta. "Hey! Thunder-thighs!" The giantess looks up, "Hrnm?" She stands, "Take that back, you little ... " her words are interrupted as BEM takes a running leap off the roof, landing feet to jaw, his momentum toppling her to the ground with a crash.

Liberty Belle, the path from the alleway freed, catches Nash the Slash unawares with a sonic blast. "Fighting fire with fire," she thinks ironically, as Yankee Doodle finishes up the job, cold-cocking his opponent with a right to the jaw.

Mister America, quick as a wink, ties the changeling's myriad heads into a knot, cutting off its air supply. The beast thrashes about, its long, wriggly tentacles waving wildly, before it returns to its human form and only stands, looking glazed.

Menta finds her eye view of Flex Mentallo blocked by the unconscious Giganta, and her opponent's reality re-asserting itself. She curses in a foreign language. "I should have listened to the others when they told me coming here was a mistake; Evil Star, you are a bungler." She removes the lightning bolt badge from her chest, revealing a small gold Saturn symbol. She presses a button on the back of the badge, and a large translucent sphere appears. She ascends into the sphere, beckoning to Chimera, and says, "Come my little Beast Boy, I am not finished with you yet." He follows her into the sphere obediently. The sphere vanishes into thin air with a strange roaring sound.

The six still standing combatants advance on Evil Star, who stands hovering, scowling. Yankee Doodle smiles upwards at the alien, not that one could tell beneath his mask. "Would you care to come down here so I can advise you of your rights?"

Evil Star bahs. "I need no rights from you. My right is to rule!" He leaps into the distorted building, which seems to twist around behind him before snapping back into mundanity.

Mister America makes the motion of brushing dust off his hands. "All neat and almost tidy," he says, indicating the unconscious Automaton, Giganta, and Nash the Slash. "Thanks for the help."

Liberty Belle grins, "Always happy to be of service to patriotic Americans."


	7. Case Seven: Cold War

Caesar Single eyes the young men assembled around the table before him warily. He's had little favorable experience with masked men in his past experiences as an agent, though this trio comes highly recommended, with scrupulous background checks and testements of their patriotism. He clicks the button on the projector, and the machine passes on to the next slide, showing a sinister, bearded face. "His name is Ivan Ilyanov," Single intones. "Soviet scientist and criminal, he was sentenced to five years' exile in the Central Asian republic of Kazakhstan in 1931. A year later he reportedly died, but then he resurfaced in America a decade and a half later, attempting to conceal his identity." A click, and the slide shows the man wearing a white and red mask. "He called himself the Scarlet Ghost, working on his own and also, for a brief while, collaborating with the American master criminal known as the Thinker. Some of your predecessors, the mystery men named Sandman and Sandy," click, "repeatedly foiled his plans during that era. Ilyanov was assumed, again, to have died, but we now believe these rumors too had been exagerrated."

Yankee Doodle furrows his brow beneath his face-concealing mask. "He'd be in his ...what, 80s by now? What do you believe he's been plotting?"

Caesar Single nods, "We believe that, possibly as a consequence of his biogenetics research, he's been able to retard his aging process. We also believe that he and his agents are behind a series of thefts of industrial coolent across the country, and that he has been transporting the coolent back to Kazakhstan."

Speedboy blinks. "He's shipping coolent to Kazakhstan? I suppose next he'll he shipping coals to Newcastle?"

Fighting American shakes his head, "Down, lad. It gets warm in Kazakhstan in the summers." Caesar Single says, "My own agency, the Competent Organisation Utilizing Scientific Investigation for National Fiend, Ruffian, and Evildoer Defense, has chosen to turn our research over to the Unusual Operatives Division, because so many of the thefts were from Pentagon facilities, and the UOD instructed us to contact you." Privately, he thinks to himself: my team could have handled this situation much more efficiently than these costumed clowns ... hopefully they'll prove to be less inferior than the others we've encountered in the past.

Yankee Doodle says, "Understood. Thank you, Mr. Single. We'll take it from here."

FIghting American grins broadly, "Those Commies won't know what hit them."

* * *

**THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA**  
**Case Seven: "Cold War"**

* * *

As the rented truck trundles up the rocky mountain pass, Richard Davis eyes the driver uneasily. "I still can't get used to how easily you speak Russian," he says, "not to mention that ... face."

The man who looks like Ivan Ilyanov chuckles under his breath. "When I'm working on solo assignments for the UOD, I'm much more commonly operating undercover. On the occasions I've collaborated with you and Johnny Flagg here, I simply haven't had the necessity."

Johnny Flagg stares out the window, keeping his own council. The man with the mind of Nelson Flagg is also wearing a face not his own, though that's a life he has long since abandoned. He gathers himself to speak. "Still," he says, "it was clever of you to use your disguise to figure out where the real Ilyanov might have located his base ... at least, lucky for us he sometimes still ventured into town for food and supplies. What do you think he's doing with all of those bananas, though? They're expensive to import."

The man who looks like Ivan Ilyanov shrugs. "We'll find out when we get there."

As the truck reaches the sharp crest of a hill, the trio spies a structure in the valley below. The architecture is gray and brutally modern, a massive structure crouched spiderlike in the base of the valley, with concrete tendrils thrust into the surrounding grounds. Armed guards patrol the premises. They park and dismount, and the man who looks like Ivan Ilyanov readies his binoculars.

Johnny Flagg raises a hand, "Hold on." He narrows his eyes, his sensitive hearing scanning the surroundings. "Horses."

The three men turn their backs to the truck, bracing themselves for the advance. A lone man on a horse arrives, reigning it to a halt, and Johnny Flagg narrows his eyes puzzledly. The rider turns his attention to the man who looks like Ivan Ilyanov. It was foolish of you to leave your headquarters, Scarlet Ghost he says in Russian. It is time to pay the price for your crimes to ... The Cossack. From a scabbard at his side he draws a glowing sword, and advances again.

His opponent ducks from the sword and slides underneath the truck, coming out on the other side. There's been a mistake, he entreats, I'm not the man you think I am. He reaches inside his jacket, withdrawing the special ballpoint pen which releases the gas that restores his guise to the blank face of Yankee Doodle. Taking his cue, his companions quickly change garb to that of Fighting American and Speedboy.

The Cossack's mount leaps over the truck with ease, and he circles around. I should have guessed you would have allied yourself with the Americans, he sneers. It will be a pleasure to bring you all in to face the Kremlin ... with or without your heads is up to you.

Yankee Doodle draws his gun, pointing it The Cossack. I don't think so. Why don't you come down here and we'll discuss matters?

The Cossack chuckles. I did not come here to discuss anything. He charges at Yankee Doodle again, sword at the ready. Fighting American leaps up and over, grabbing the man by the sword hand and tumbling him off the horse. The Cossack rises to his feet, charging at his opponent, who sidesteps to at the last moment just as Speedboy slams into The Cossack from behind, throwing him off-balance as his sword slices into the truck.

"Gas tank!" shouts Yankee Doodle, "duck and cover!" The truck explodes from the electrical charge in The Cossack's sword. A minute later, the trio approaches the wreckage. "Oh cripes," says Speedboy, "even for a Commie that's a nasty way to go."

"Fortunately he didn't come alone," says a Russian-accented voice from above. They look up to see a pair of men descending from the sky. Working Man is wearing a yellow Soviet-style military uniform shirt with blue epaulets; blue riding pants; and yellow boots. Around his waist is a broad red belt, in the center of which is a hammer and sickle. Starfire is a teenage boy wearing a dark green short-sleeved shirt, trunks, and boots, with light green tights, collar, and gloves. On the center of his chest is a white circle in which is set a red star. He has reddish-blond hair and a striking, handsome face which is partially concealed behind a pair of green-tinted goggles.

"Who're you," snorts Fighting American, "The Brisket Brigade?"

"The Wrench Squad was dispatched to bring the Scarlet Ghost to justice," says Working Man, ignoring the jibe. "It's no surprise he is working with the Americans to invade our territory."

Yankee Doodle raises his hands. "Hold on a moment. We're not working -with- the Scarlet Ghost at all."

Starfire points to the burning wreckage, "I suppose our teammate The Cossack sacrificed himself just to send a flare to attract our attention?" He snarls, "What are you doing with the coolent, fools? Some plot to subject the Soviet Union to an endless winter?"

Those Commies sure don't care about much beyond following orders, thinks Speedboy. They hardly seem to care that a third of their team is dead and gone.

The three Americans look at one another. As they start to formulate a reply, a voice interrupts their train of thought. "Not just the Soviet Union ... the world, you hapless child." The colorfully garbed quintet find themselves surrounded by armed guards, grotesque half-men-half-apes clad in scarlet uniforms. From them strode the powerful, cloaked figure of the Scarlet Ghost. "Under a new ice age, the living war machines you see before you ... my own creations ... would have strode invincibly across the few survivors. It would have been entertaining to see you destroy each other, but I chose to let you see the world's future master before you died."

Yankee Doodle clicks his ballpoint pen again, and in a cloud of gas the mask he wears reshapes to the face of Ivan Ilyanov. He is not your leader, he shouts, he is an imposter. Lay down your arms.

The simian soldiers look at each other, confused, some of them lowering their weapons. The Scarlet Ghost screams, Don't listen to him, you stupid brutes, but by then the nonpartisan gang of five had exploded into a colorful barrage of fists and bullets.

Yankee Doodle fires with deadly accuracy, while Fighting American & Speedboy leap and tumble acrobatically through the army. Starfire and Working Man, with their metahuman abilities, plow through their foes.

Eventually however, numbers begin to tell. First the Americans, then the mighty Starfire fall under the weight of the apelike hordes. Only Working Man's abilities hold against them. The Scarlet Ghost approaches the man. You're a mutant, no? he says, as Working Man's fists pass intangibly through him. You generate a force field with the ability to repel any form of energy directed towards you. I wonder whether it also protects your internal organs? He reaches through Working Man's chest, clutching his opponent's heart with a solid hand. Working Man gasps in pain and falls to the ground.

The Scarlet Ghost beckons towards his retainers. Place him with the others. I will secure him more properly before he awakens. He strides over the the wreckage of the truck, climbing atop it to survey his captives.

Fighting American glares up at the villain. "You don't really think you can just make us disappear, do you? The Pentagon knows we're here. It's only a matter of time before ... "

The Scarlet Ghost scoffs, "In just a few weeks, the last of the coolent shipments will arrive on my doorstep. A new ice age will have overtaken the West long before they've had time to react."

Starfire laughs derisively. "The West, perhaps, but the Soviet Union has its own protectors: Octobriana, the People's Heroes, and the rest, will soon be on your tail."

"Weaklings and also-rans," smirks the Scarlet Ghost. "Their own constant defeats by the Americans shows that. Octobriana perhaps could have stopped me, but I have something very special planned for her, and -ack." He looks down to see a sword thrust upwards through his torso. "Now, that's just -" his words are silenced as an electrical discharge courses through his body from the sword, and he falls to the earth.

Starfire looks up at the skeletal, metallic form of what had once been recognisable as The Cossack as the latter unsheathes his sword from the Scarlet Ghost. "Welcome back," he says. The robot turns to him and nods silently, slicing through the device which holds the lad in place, then leaps on the remaining apelike guards like a terminator.

Pausing a moment, Starfire frees the Americans. "Ready to help us clean up?"

Fighting American grins, "Anything in the name of international cooperation."

Leaderless, the half-men-half-apes scatter under the sword, guns and fists of the remaining heroes. The quintet slowly advances on the structure below, carving their way through the defensive army. Starfire and The Cossack force the doors open, and they enter the warehouse-like central room.

"Oh my gosh," whistles Speedboy, as they see vast containers of coolent lining the long hallway, "What're we going to do with all this stuff?"

Yankee Doodle ponders. "I can see he's been collecting for a while."

The Cossack positions himself to face the Americans, extending his sword. "It is on Soviet land," his says with a voice like old telephone wire, "It belongs to the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics."

Fighting American scowls. "Now hold on right there, pal, you want us to melt down the rest of you?"

Starfire intervenes. "Please, we came here as allies, let us not compromise on that now." He looks to the others. "We are all soldiers, and this is a job for diplomats. Let us notify our superiors, and they will ... what is the word ... divvy up the loot."

Yankee Doodle nods. "Fair truce." He tilts his head in the direction of Fighting American and Speedboy, never taking his attention off the swordpoint. "Agreed?"

Fighting American says, "Agreed." Speedboy says, "Yeah, I'll buy it."

The Cossack pauses, but then removes his sword from its position, tucking it under one arm. "Agreed," he rasps finally.


	8. Case Eight: The Phoenix Agenda

**THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA**  
**Case Eight: "The Phoenix Agenda"**

* * *

Clive Arno pops the cork on the bottle with practised ease. "It's an old Greek winery, Intreledor, one of my personal favorites." He pours it into the waiting glasses of Caroline Dean, then Dan Garrett and Goody Rickels. Flex Mentallo raises a hand, "My body is a temple," he says, "But I will take some soda water, thank you."

"I guess I better, too," says Carl Arno, glancing at his father with a slight sulk. Flex Mentallo fills his glass, and looks at BEM, who nods his assent, "Thanks Mac."

"I don't think I've ever had a Greek wine before," Caroline says, crosslegged on the floor. She takes a small sip, "Mmm, very rich, not as sweet as what I'm used to though."

Dan shrugs, "Americans tend to like their wine sweet. There's a small winery called Roko which is my personal favorite, I'll have to bring some in. Intreledor is an excellent brand, though."

Goody grins, "Listen to the three of you. I feel like I ought to be lifting my pinky when I take a sip."

Caroline rolls her eyes, and leans her head back against Dan's knees, who strokes her silver hair softly. She looks up at him and smiles, taking another sip of wine and then closing her eyes.

Mac looks at the pair and smiles gently. "I ought to bring Dolores in for a tour of the building, I think she'd like it. She never met any of my old teammates ... the Fact, the Atomic Pile, the Zipper, Mr. 45, and Romantic Rick."

Carl Arno wrinkles his brow. "Huh, that's odd ... I've never heard of any of them, Mac, and I usually keep track of superheroes. It's sort of a hobby of mine ... or was anyway until I guess I became one."

BEM ponders. "The Fact's name is familiar somehow."

Mac looks between the two of them, slightly confused. "Well, I suppose we never made the sort of headlines the Justice League did. Strangest thing though, all our cases involved the color green."

Goody snorts, "My Greenest Adventure?"

Mac feels a sudden, disorienting state of deja vu. "What did you just say?"

Goody slides backwards in his chair. "Just a joke, pal, like that comic book, _My Greatest Adventure_, have you seen it?"

Mac shivers with an involuntary chill. "Comic book ... no, I haven't ... "

His words are interrupted by a thunderous sound from the roof, raining plaster atop the assembled league. "Ow!" "Hey!" "This was good wine!" They back away, looking up at the rapidly spreading hole. "What sort of nonsense is this? Khaji Da!" shouts Dan Garrett, transforming into the Blue Beetle as the others don their masks. A man descends on wings on noisy contumely through the plaster ceiling, because that is how superheroes sometimes arrive. "We are here to take thy job because this kingdom needs some youngblood in its veins." He is tall, with classical face and form, and long blond hair tied back in a ponytail. He is wearing a white leotard with black leggings, and a dark green leaf-design codpiece. Light green metal bands encircle his arms from palm to bicep. A black "D" is on his left breast.

A half-dozen figures follow him down to confront the league. "Take _our_ job? Are you insane?" blurts Goody Rickels. "I am Dionysus of the New Olympians," the man says. "Allow me to introduce Anteus," a heavy-set man with a round face and black hair, wearing a blue leotard and a lighter blue bodyshirt, with navy blue trunks and boots. His uniform is completed by a white belt and a series of white bands around his wrists, arms, collar, and the tops of his boots. "Herakles," a man with curly red hair and the heavy build of a professional strongman. He is wearing a red bodysuit, with blue boots and a yellow cape. On his upper arms are lieutenant's stripes, and on his torso is a large yellow circle in which is set a black 'H'. "Ares," a large man wearing a blue bodysuit with an eagle of war covering most of the front, and red trunks and boots. Concealing his identity is a blue cowl with a raised peak. He carries at his side a flaming sword. "Hermes," a man with a lean, athletic build. He is wearing a golden loincloth, gold boots, and a gold, winged headband. "The lovely Aphrodite," a lovely blonde woman with a volupuous figure and a bright pink evening gown, rounded out with a gold belt, boots, and wristbands Her belt has a starburst pattern at the buckle. "and Hephaestus," a man with firey red hair wearing a purple bodysuit and matching mask and boots. His chest and upper arms have the overdeveloped musculature of the blacksmith. His frail legs are encased in high-tech mechanical armor.

Dionysus takes a wide-legged stance, hands on hips, because that is how superheroes pose. "We will deliver to thy countenance many bashes, because that is how superheroes fight."

BEM steps forward, hands up. "Look, we're all ... heroes here, right? Why can't we just team up to fight evil, rather than clash over some misunderstanding?"

Anteus says, "Thou art the brood of that foul three-faced witch Hekate, I can see it in thee!" He leaps backwards against the rear wall, and to BEM's astonishment, rebounds off it and strikes the lad down.

Liberty Belle grumbles, "So much for negotiation," and leaps at their spokesman. "We shall fight like wildcats, so that thy stormwatch shall fall to more vigorous eyes!" says Dionysus, as he gestures superheroically and takes the form of a lion.

Captain Action sighs, and draws strength to himself from his shining silver coin. "Herakles, eh?" he says to the red-clad man. "I draw my power from Herakles himself, let's see how you do." The pair grapple furiously, matching strength for strength.

"Whereas I draw my power from the Egyptian sub god Khepra," notes Blue Beetle, "and am not so impressed by these or any other Olympians." Ares advances on Blue Beetle, his flaming sword swinging murderously. He says, "I can't see thy face, but I'll bet it's ugly!"

Hermes blurs, circling around at incredible speed as Action Boy chases after him, drawing his own power from the coin of Hermes himself. The two begin a lightning-quick circuit around the room, in a dangerous game of catch-as-catch-can.

Aphrodite sways towards Flex Mentallo, eyes roaming over his bulging pecs and rippling abdominal muscles. "Hey handsome," she says enticingly as her mind reaches out telepathically to subdue him. Flex Mentallo flexes, "Face the power of Muscle Mystery," grabbing her heaving shoulders and pressing her to him as his muscles bulge in response.

Goody Rickels looks around wildly. "I thought I was done with all the fighting, at least I get the cripple." Hephaestus cracks his muscles, snorting like a wild bull as his cybernetic legs begin a slow but inoxerable march towards Goody Rickels. "Ohhh where's my screwdriver when I need it," the man cries out as he flees.

When Anteus bounces upwards for another strike, BEM puts his tri-human strength and speed to use, as well as his extensive sports training, striking his opponent as he descends with a double-handed blow which sends him rebounding across the room.

Liberty Belle tumbles with the lion, rolling away as his claws rake at her cloak, shredding it. She feels behind her, expecting blood but finding she had narrowly escaped the worst. "Bad kitty," she says, drawing forward her weapon and projecting towards Dionysus a concussive blast of sonic force. The animal attempts to advance on her again, only to be repelled by the projected barrier.

Captain Action and Herakles stand frozen, muscles straining against muscles, each trying to overpower his perfectly matched opponent. Finally, Herakles' greater size allows him to overbalance the other using sheer leverage, and Captain Action is forced to his knees.

Blue Beetle backs away from the flaming sword, and electricity crackles from his eyes. A blast of energy strikes the flame, and Ares steps back, but maintains his sword-hold in the light of Blue Beetle's attack.

Action Boy stumbles, careening against the back wall. Hermes changes course and grabs the boy by the throat, "Foul demon! How I wish thee were mortal so I could strangle thee slowly!"

Aphrodite wriggles closer to Flex Mentallo. "It's no mystery to me," she whispers into his ear, and nips at his earlobe lightly. He scoops her up and tosses her over his shoulder, carrying her into the back room as she kicks and squeals ineffectively.

Goody Rickels flees to the central meeting table, managing to place it between him and Hephaestus. His cybernetically enhanced opponent glares at him as he places his thumb on his nose and blows a raspberry, but the rude gesture turns to an expression of panic as Hephaestus tilts backwards, and then continues his advance over the top of the table.

Anteus' reboundings pick up speed with each blow from BEM, and finally he manages to knock the lad down like tenpins. "Thou thought to control the bouncing one," he gloats as he stands over his fallen opponent. BEM lunges upwards and catches the man by the ankle, and with a great burst of strength, tosses him at the far wall, forcing Anteus into an uncontrolled bounce.

Dionysus returns to human form, and grits and grinds his teeth with grim purpose, because that is how superheroes treat their dental work. "Let vines rise from the Earth!" he says, and they burst through the floor. Liberty Belle fires her concussive sonic blasts at the advancing plants repeatedly, but as the ever-increasing foliage surrounds her, she finds her wrists seized and watches helplessly as her weapon clatters to the floor.

Captain Action throws himself backwards, attempting to upend his opponent, and Herakles tumbles. The latter recovers quickly and Captain Action finds himself unable to press his momentary advantage. Ares slowly advances on Blue Beetle, and with a deft swing the flaming sword slashes across his opponent's face. Blue Beetle steps back in shock as he tastes blood. "Thy features will only be improved, demon," scoffs Ares. Action Boy thrusts his arms between his opponent's wrists, breaking the hold. "We're not ... demons ... you maniac!" He manages to slip from Hermes' grip and backs away quickly, keeping himself in a battle stance, prepared for the next attack. Goody Rickels flees to the red phone, connected to the computer system, which supplies the team's emergency contact to the Pentagon. "Yankee Doodle ... Fighting American ... Speedboy ... you guys back from Russia yet ... HELP!" Hephaestus gives a springlike leap and lands on the monitor desk. "No more games, little freak," he mutters. Liberty Belle spits at Dionysus, "If you think I'm helpless, come and do your worst!" The man picks up the bottle of Intreledor, pouring some into an unbroken wine glass. "I kept my most amazing superpower a secret, because that is how superheroes win their battles." He pours the wine down Liberty Belle's throat, and the vines release her as she falls to the ground, coughing.

Dionysus leans down and whispers softly to her, "Bacchanal." She looks back up at him, eyes suddenly bright and insane. "Bacchanal," she repeats, and then laughs, grabbing the glass away from him and swallowing the rest of the wine. "Bacchanal! Bacchanal!" With an ear-piercing scream, she leaps onto BEM's shoulders.

"Libby ... what ... ack ... " the boy chokes out as her hands wrap under his chin and she attempts to decapitate him with hysterical strength. At the last minute, his body disappears in a whirlwind and she finds herself standing over a trio of unconscious teenage boys, wearing similar jerseys with the letters 'B', 'E', and 'M' emblazoned on their chests.

Captain Action's eyes widen as he spies the split BEM, and he scowls at his opponent. "Enough of these games. Face the power of Zeus!" A flash of lightning and a crack of thunder is heard throughout the room as energy courses through his body, knocking his opponent unconscious.

Blue Beetle looks up, narrowing his eyes. "Libby?" He glares at his opponent, and with a cry he soars forwards, tackling Ares and dragging him upwards, slamming the man into the ceiling repeatedly and then letting him crash to the floor. He sweeps down again, grabbing Dionysus by the lapel and picking him off the ground, "What did you do to her, you maniac?"

Hermes runs towards Action Boy again, the latter managing evasive maneuvers before bolt of lightning strikes down his opponent. Captain Action strides forward, "You ok, son?"

Aphrodite exits the back room, adjusting her dress and running her fingers through her tousled hair. "Muscle mystery, indeed," she purrs to herself with a cat-that-ate-the-canary smile, before a careening, out of control Anteus rebounds off of her, knocking her for a loop.

Goody Rickels looks up at Hephaestus and, thinking quickly, displaces one of the computer scanners, reaching in and tearing out a handful of bare wires which he directs into contact with his opponent's mechanical legs. The man shouts out his alarm and tumbles down to the floor.

Captain Action grabs Liberty Belle, who struggles against him. "Caroline, Caroline, snap out of it."

Dionysus' laugh is silenced by a blow across the face from Blue Beetle. "It's time you ... " his words are interrupted by a massive crash of lightning, striking through the hole the New Olympians had knocked in the ceiling. The team is blinded as the supercharged electricity strikes through the bodies of those who had proclaimed themselves heroes.

Action Boy looks around at the charred bodies, "Dad ... did you ... "

Captain Action shakes his head, "I had nothing to do with this, son, I promise."

Liberty Belle looks up, sober-eyed, at Captain Action. "Clive ... what? what happened? Last thing I remember ... "

"C ... c ... c ... " Dionysus chokes out through parched lips.

Blue Beetle leans down to the man, tilting his ear closer to listen.

"C ... "

"What is it?" Blue Beetle says softly. "Who did this to you?"

"C ... c ... copper ... silver ... gold ... " Blue Beetle glances over at Captain Action, who walks over to kneel down by the others' side, standing vigil over the dying man.

"Copper ... silver ... gold ... "

* * *

The character of Dionysusis based on the character Bacchus copyright Eddie Campbell, and most of his dialogue is Campbell's.


	9. Case Nine: Equatorial Grassland Bestiary

**THE SUBSTITUTE LEAGUE OF AMERICA**  
**Case Nine: "An Equatorial Grasslands Bestiary"**  
(lyrics from the novel _Silverlock_ copyright the estate of John Myers Myers)

* * *

The triangular form of the Silver Streak arcs across the Mediterranean seascape, Blue Beetle, Captain Action & Action Boy peering across at the Greek isles as they flash by. "You sure you know where you're going," Blue Beetle enquires.

Captain Action's hands are deft at the controls as they hit land. The Silver Streak extends a triad of wheels which takes the vehicle over the rocky beachline. "I know where we're going, though I'm not sure precisely what we'll find there. Copper, silver, and gold ... in ancient Greek: Chalcon, Argyron, and Chryson, three of the Telchines. They were evil magicians of legend."

Blue Beetle nods, "I hadn't heard of them, though most of my research has been in the antiquities of Egypt ... but clearly someone empowered, and evidently struck down the New Olympians when it was clear they couldn't defeat us. 'Copper, silver, gold' is a tenuous clue, but after my confrontation with the god Khepra I'm no longer inclined to scoff at such things."

Action Boy grins, "Well, I think it was pretty clever. But even though we've been using these magic coins for almost a year now ... the idea of actually meeting a god of ancient Greece ... that's just incredible."

"Incredible, yes, but potentially the most dangerous thing we've ever done. I'm still not sure it was the right thing to take you," Captain Action glances at his son who starts a protest. "But we decided that, depending on what we find, those with archeological skills would be the most useful, and you've been interning for Clive Arno for quite some time."

Blue Beetle scans the horizon, "I still think it would have been wise to include Yankee Doodle ... certainly his cover identity as an archeologist must have involved some actual field work ... you never know ... "

"Aw, he's a stick in the mud," complains Action Boy.

Captain Action adds, "If we do find what I think we might ... I'm not sure I want it reported back to the Pentagon." They find themselves in a small clearing in the ruins of the ancient Greek city of Sikoyn, surrounded by trees and lit here and there by dapples of sunlight. At first the forest seems still and deserted ... but as the sense of this place begins to fill them, they notice shapes and figures all around them, darting through the trees and across the clearing.

As they approach, Captain Action hears in the distance the thin, haunting notes of the pipes and the sound of voices, bellowing a song. He places his finger to his lips to silence his companions, and brings the Silver Streak to a slow halt. The trio dismounts, and continue the journey on foot. Finally, they stand on a ledge high above the sparkling waters of a gulf, by the steps of a plain hut built of mountain laurel-wood, woven with stalks of native fern. Nearby, a stream runs, the rushing water sounding in their ears.

"Old Man Zeus he ... kept a heifer in his yard;  
Hera smelled a ... rat and took the matter hard.  
She swore she would ... watch the varmint anyhow,  
Damned if she'd play ... second fiddle to a cow!  
Here's to Zeus and his hot pants! He learned to pay his debts.  
The more he started to explain,  
The more she jawed him with disdain.  
She wouldn't hear; it was in vain  
He vowed he just liked pets!"

Action Boy blushes bright red, and Captain Action looks like he wants to cover the boy's ears.

"Young Adonis ... was a handsome lad, I hear.  
But some parts were ... missing from him, as I fear;  
Aphrodite ... swung her hips and rolled her eyes,  
But for once she ... couldn't even get a rise.  
Here's to young Adonis, who is dead and ought to be!  
He chased a pig, he shot and missed,  
So he got killed instead of kissed.  
I wish that what had slipped through his fist  
Had only come to me!"

"They know their old stories, at least," Captain Action whispers to Blue Beetle. "And it's certainly someone with no love for the gods of Olympus."

"Once a centaur ... loved a Lapithaean dame,  
So he thought he'd ... work to try to snatch the same;  
But that cutie ... didn't thank him for his pass,  
For she said she ... knew he was a horse's -

"Hold on!" a voice interrupts. "There are intruders."

Blue Beetle snaps his fingers, "It looks like we've been detected." He beckons with a motion of his head, "Let's see who our musical friends are."

The hut is bare inside, but for nine low tripod chairs set over a cleft in the dirt floor; three of the chairs stand empty, and on the remaining chairs sits a group of six dog-headed and flipper-handed figures, wearing long, hooded black robes which conceal their bodies. They have webbed feet as well as webbed fingers. One is holding a trident, another a flint sickle, and a third is carrying a battle-helmet. From a hole located in the center of the hut, mists are rising from the earth.

As the trio enters, the grotesque sextet stand erect to face them. The one holding the trident beckons angrily, and the three find themselves tossed out of the hut by the gusts of a miniature storm. Action Boy is the first upright. "I guess they don't like music critics," he says with a grin, then turns serious as he sees the three armed figures following them out of the hut and into the small clearing surrounding it.

The one bearing the trident waved his weapon, and a line of fire appeared on the rocks, encircling the heroes. The one carrying the battle-helmet dons it, immediately becoming invisible. "Back to back," mutters Captain Action to his allies, "Don't let them surprise you."

The trident is waved again, and a spring gushes up underneath the heroes, knocking them off-balance and sending them tumbling off their feet. Blue Beetle is suddenly scooped up into the air by an invisible foe, and tossed off the ledge.

"So that's the way it is then," grumbles Captain Action. He gestures with the power of Zeus, and lightning bursts from his hands, striking at the magical trident. The bearer is thrown backwards in surprise, but summons a storm of his own, pelting Captain Action with rain and hail.

Action Boy runs directly at the figure carrying the sickle, hoping to take him out quickly. As he gets close, the figure sweeps the sickle in a gesture which seems to slice through time and space, and Action Boy is startled to find he has crashed into himself, knocking himself down to the ground, and stares upwards at his opponent confusedly.

Blue Beetle recovers from his surprise in time to fly back to the clearing angrily. He lands close to where his opponent had been standing, and narrows his eyes, looking for tracks or signs. He feels a sudden, powerful blow to the back of his head, then another one to his side and he is sent sprawling.

The skies darken and rumble as those endowed with the powers of the gods duel using the forces of nature itself. Captain Action's heightened senses, using the awareness of Heimdall, spies Blue Beetle's attacker easily. He breaks away from the rain storm and runs to his fallen ally, tackling the other's opponent with the strength of Hercules and wrestling him down.

The sickle slices again, and before Action Boy can react, a prehistoric raptor leaps out of a hole in the world straight towards him. The creature is intercepted by Blue Beetle, who swoops down out of the air and grabs the creature by the tail, swinging it into the one who had brought it from the depths of time.

Action Boy grins, "I love playing musical chairs," and using the speed of Hermes, zips easily through the hailstorm created by the magical trident. Before its bearer can react with another attack, Action Boy rips it out of his hands and tosses it into the air, where it lands several yards away.

The three figures, who had remained seated during the battle, finally rise to their feet. They each raise their flipper-shaped hands, and the mists stream out from their hut and into the clearing. Blue Beetle, Captain Action & Action Boy find themselves unable to breath as the gaseous substance crawls into their lungs. They fall to their knees and gasp for breath.

Their three original combatants close in on them, pummeling the trio with powerful blows as they find themselves unable to protect themselves. Finally, Captain Action raises his hands defensively, choking out the words in Attick Greek: "We are Clive Arno, Carl Arno, and Dan Garrett. We came here seeking those named for copper, silver, and gold. We ... "

One of the figures interrupts him with an unearthly voice as he gestures their attackers to restrain themselves. "Cease your poor pronunciations. We can speak to any mortal who comes into our demesne." The other sextet of figures who had been seated around the circle pick up the monologue, alternating words from one to the other. "We are the Telchines."

"We are Actaeus, Antaeus, Damonax, Lycus, Megalesius, and Ormenos."

"We are the Children of the Sea."

"We are the children of Thalassa and Pontus, the sea titans."

"We made the sickle of Cronus, with which mighty Zeus cut his father's thews. We helped Capheira to nurse Poseidon in his childhood. We made the first statues of the gods. We minted the first coins to be distributed upon the earth by carving the visages of the gods on copper, silver, and gold. We were the hounds who tore Actaeon to pieces."

"Zeus and Apollo aided and abetted while the sons of Helios persecuted us. In revenge, we hid in the city founded by our niece and put the evil eye on the works of men. We were driven out by the power of the Olympians."

"The gods thought us dead, but they had only slain the three eldest of the nine of us: Chalcon, Argyron, and Chryson ... those whose names mean Copper, Silver, and Gold."

"Copper, Silver, Gold."

Captain Action looks at his son, and reaches into his side pocket, pulling out three silver discs, fused together as if by an immense heat yet still visibly bearing the recognisable visages of Heimdall, Hercules, and Zeus. "The coins of the gods you mentioned ... like these?"

"We had thought them all destroyed, until we sensed someone trying to remove them from this world. We cast a spell which tied them to the world, and then gathered scions to return them to us. The scions failed."

Captain Action holds them up so they glitter in the sunlight. "And if they were returned to you?"

"We have no other issue with the affairs of men."

Blue Beetle scowls, "You can't give in to them that way ... they murdered those people!"

Captain Action looks at him. "And what would you do, turn them in to the Greek authorities to send them to prison? Or ought we take them back with us to an American jail?"

Blue Beetle says, "I've fought gods before ... "

Captain Action nods, "And we've lost, this time." He tosses his coins to the closest of the Telchines, who snaps it out of the air. He turns to his son. "Carl?"

Action Boy reluctantly reaches for his coin with the visage of Mercury. "But Dad ... what about the next time we meet our arch-enemy, Doctor Evil?"

Captain Action smiles softly, "We'll just have to develop some other ways to defeat him." He takes the coin in hand and tosses it to follow the others. "Next time ... you could have just _asked_, you know."

"The gods do not ransom their property from mortals. Go on your way now."

As they depart, Blue Beetle looks askance at his teammate. "Just as well Yankee Doodle didn't accompany us ... he'd have reported you to the authorities. I'm not sure I shouldn't do the same, in fact."

Action Boy says, "It just didn't seem right to me either, Dad."

Captain Action sighs, as they approach the Silver Streak. "Those who bargain with gods, like the New Olympians evidently did, must be prepared for the fact that gods are, by their nature, capricious and whimsical. We gave the Telchines back their own property, and that's the end of it. If they try to interfere with us again, I'll summon our other allies ... Goody Rickels and I can contact Superman ... and things will go very differently. I promise you that."


End file.
